‘home is a feeling’

One of the most common questions I get asked towards the end of a year is “so how many places you travelled this year?” Whatever the number I answer, small or big, the next question pops up “how do you manage to do so much travel?”

Often, I humbly reply saying there are people travelling more than I do, some even get paid these days. However, the following question puzzles me more “how do you manage to stay away from home for so long?”

There are people who tell me that they are in awe of how I manage time to travel. Some say that you are lucky to have money in hand to travel. I feel blessed to have both at once and be able to explore places a bit.

But, about missing home when away, I don’t feel so, I don’t miss it. I have lived away from home enough to know the value of a home as a place. A shelter to dwell, eat and have a comfortable living. I know the importance of it.

But home is also where I boss around, take care of Maa and the rest. I cherish the joy of being the one who is looking after things. I get to do this with people I am close to on my trips and treks. It feels happy to make people do things for their good, it feels home to do so.

I am a lazy head when it comes to daily mundane tasks of a bath, hair wash etc. On my to-do list, priority is to read and write than to bathe and whatever. And when out, not always we all get to bath, what a relief to a lazy head like me. It totally feels home when this happens.

Home is also where I am made to feel out of place, as my parents and sister have a commerce background and I am a humanities student. A major reason why my sister always manages to prove that I am adopted!

Anyway, the fact that the people I travel with and the people I meet as I travel are all so different than me. I relate to a few, I completely don’t to so many. I feel home when I am among a bunch of people completely different than me, in more than one way.

The idea of a festival in my house is different. We don’t follow any religion too rigorously to follow any festival rituals the same way. And so the idea of celebrating any festival gets down to cooking a special meal and calling people to hog.

A little titter-tatter, good food, some dessert, some singing and grooving at times is what festival at home feels like. More often than not on big trips, there is at least one full night where I do not sleep just talk with people, listen to music and chill. At such nights, it does feel home!

Being a writer, I am a natural observer. For some reason, I observe people and situations more than I observe things and places. I tend to grow more as a person with these observations that I pen down about people and situations after each travel.

I find comfort when I am with certain people, I feel easy, happy, it feels home with them around. I have only Maa at home, apart from her, I am only used to a few faces around at home. I can never feel easy or happy in a crowd.

Perhaps why I run away from the crowd when I travel. Even if it means to run away for a while with the bunch I am travelling with. I do so to feel easy, to feel comfortable, to feel home. This is also the reason why I haven’t been able to connect to more than a few people at once throughout life.

I have only two people I connected with completely from school, junior college, and even senior college. I know many people but a genuine bond of share and care with only two. This year I even found my two trek mates who make me feel home among a bunch of around ten I travel with.

If a home is a feeling of ease and comfort, each of the above people make me feel so. I am my true version to them. They have seen my good, bad, worse, and have managed to sail through. The ease around them is the feeling of ease as if at home.

I can go on and on and it will never end. As talking about home isn’t easy as it isn’t a place. And to speak about a feeling, words always fall less. I love the feeling of home. The feeling I get doing a few things, the feeling I get by being with certain people.

I don’t know what is home for you, but I hope you figure it out. It is always nice to know what makes you feel at ease so as to go and dug into it in times of need.

November 4, 2018

The Konkan Kind – II

Konkan plain stretches approximately 530km and is almost 45-76km in width. I experienced only a tiny bit of the mighty Konkan and here is the second post in my series, hope you enjoy the read.

After a good sleep, we were all up on time and headed to explore Vijaydurg fort by 6:15am. As we reached the fort, we witnessed the Konkan kind of good morning. We saw the sun, rise above the horizon with its reflection flowing and reaching us. I clicked a few pictures and then stood still to embrace the moment.

The moment pumped me so much, I was overjoyed. And so the consequence had to happen. I couldn’t take my eyes off the mesmerizing sea and structure of the place and didn’t see a hole and got my right leg stuck in it.

There was terrible pain from the bone near the feet up till the knee. I couldn’t exactly figure where I was hit as it pained from the knee till my feet. I had a good friend beside me who witnessed my fall who asked me to check but I refused and kept walking.

I didn’t wish to miss out on exploring the most magnificent sea fort. I didn’t want the group to have any delay because of my stupid fall either. I needed water badly to gulp in my tears, but sadly we had forgotten to fill our bottles that morning.

Vijaydurg is a good place if you get hurt and wish to divert your mind. There is so much to know about. The older name being ‘Gheria’, this fort is among the only two forts where Shivaji personally hoisted the saffron flag, other being Torana.

It was a naval dock of the time and the entire construction of the fort is an architectural marvel, a good place for students of architecture and history. The fort is also known to be the place where French scientist, Jhonson took readings to detect that helium exists as one of the prime elements of the Sun.

In total awe for the fort we left and took bags from our rooms to catch the 9:15am bus to Jaitapur. As we were getting out bags, I checked my leg and it looked terrible. I gulped the fear of how I’ll deal with it and went down for the quick breakfast before we left.

I sat alone on the bus and looked outside the window. I spotted a few birds and saw many beautiful houses. I noticed a completely dry banyan tree which still, stood strong. It was as if telling me to ignore the pain in my leg and be strong for the day ahead.

We got down at Jaitapur hopped into the Sumo we had hired. It took us first to Yashwantgadh, a fort we missed the last time we had come to Ratnagiri. This fort was used for trade along with Ambolgadh.

The fort is divided into two parts, the plateau and the creek. The doorway has a Ganesh idol and lotus flowers carved. The fort has two storerooms. Patki family stays inside the fort premises and they even have a well outside their house.

dav — Three of us walking towards the entrance that has the Ganesh idol and the flower. Picture Credits – Sanish

On our way to the next place in mind, our tyre got punctured. One of the screws of the tyre was stuck, we oiled and tried everything, but the screw refused to move. After around half an hour with a fellow Sumo driver’s help, we got it fixed and began our journey again.

This half-hour was like a reality check. It gave a glimpse of all that had happened during the first time and how we sailed through it. It was time to thank some superpowers who helped us not have too much delay in the day and we got down at the beautiful Kanakaditya Temple.

It is a famous place for devotees of Sri Kanakaditya (name of Sun God). The five-day celebration of Ratha-Saptami receives many devotees from all parts of the country every year. The kirtans, pravachans and aarti done during the festival is quite an attraction.

Now we were on our way to Purnagadh when we decided to quickly visit the Kasheli point. The view from the top was breathtaking and I couldn’t wait to run down the steps to the point and see the heavenly scene.

I ran the first few steps and what a big mistake that was! My leg began to hurt so bad I thought it will rip off. The sound of the waves hitting the shore was so loud, it was as if my leg shouting out to me and please just stop and stand in one place.

No, I didn’t do that, slowly I walked down the steps to the spot. The shades of blue of the sea, the blurring of the horizon, the sound of the waves, the serenity of moment made my soul so happy, I could have actually danced! That would be asking too much from my leg so I just stood there drooling over the beauty of the place.

777 — How’s the pain in your leg? ‘I can’t feel the pain with such a pretty picture painted around me, it is all too dreamy to feel anything.’

Then, we reached Purnagadh, a small fort which can be viewed in one sight. It had a Hanumanji’s deity at the entrance. Some evidence suggests it was built by Shivaji Maharaj while some suggest it was built by Sakhoji Angre, son of Kanhoji Angre.

Now we headed to Thiba Palace, a lesser known place. It is a fine architecture and clearly gives a feel of old British era. Thiba hailed from Burma and one can dig into the history of his interesting life which made the existence of this marvellous palace possible in Konkan region.

My attention yet again was driven to something else, a tree. After exploring and knowing about the Thiba Palace, I climbed a tree outside the palace. It was so pretty, I couldn’t control climbing it. I could feel the happy hormones dancing in me to the tunes of ‘Sawar Loon’ that I sang.

Now, we headed to Bhatye beach. We reached in time before the sunset. I and a friend kept our shoes in the vehicle and ran to the sea. The feeling of the first wave kissing my leg is something I can’t put to words.

I and my friend walked to the calmer, fewer people end of the beach and spent time playing and doing everything that came to our mind. We observed the sun, its reflection, and the clouds on the opposite side, the waves, and the horizon. There wasn’t a single cell in our body that wasn’t overjoyed.

After a while, we walked back to our group and had fun with them. In some time we left to figure out our stay for the night. Life balances everything since the day had made me so happy, it was time for the night to show its darkest shade.

October 8, 2018

It’s Never Enough!

“I was glad to see you, little good girl, God bless you, come every year, eat well now…” he caressed my head as I was sitting down to eat.

I looked up at him, smiled and nodded. I couldn’t utter a word as I felt so loved.

It was my friend’s dad, he did the entire hour-long aarti as many of us joined behind clapping. If you know me or have read a few of my posts, to see me standing at an hour-long aarti is a miracle.

Thanks to my cousin Sanish, who convinced me last year to witness this aarti, for an experience, to see how it is done. However, this year, I had to convince him to leave his team’s football match for this experience!

An hour of Ganesh pooja at this friend’s place is an experience I would like to go for every year, to observe all kinds of devotees. The one ahead, in full divine swing, one behind actually swinging and almost dancing, kids trying to adapt something, old ladies singing every word.

It is a very different world for that one hour, everyone is in a different mind frame but physically at the same place! For me, more than the aarti, uncle’s blessing words, decided to dwell and live in me.

My dad has never caressed my head or told me he was proud of something I did, blessed me or prayed for me. I crave for that kind of love. My friend’s dad perhaps said so and blessed many others present there, but for me that moment was everything.

That moment of love was a feeling of joy I perhaps can’t justify with words. When you feel it, it is never enough!

I am scared of horror movies. I can’t watch violence on the screen of any kind, too much blood and ghosts. It kills me. An irrational fear, I am trying to overcome.

I began watching bloodshed and violence to fight this fear. I watched, Gangs of Wasseypur both parts, Haider, and Sacred Games. Each helping me step up a ladder of being okay with violence.

I was worst hit with Haider, because I know that the violence in it wasn’t a fictional story. I know it is the reality of people. If there is only one Bollywood movie you will ever watch in your life, please make sure it is Haider.

After I felt I could manage violence on my plate, it was time to go for horror. All this violence I saw on my laptop, but I decided to go for horror on the big screen. Yes, I love challenging me.

The ghost of the movie did give me a few sleepless nights, but the experience in the theatre stayed with me longer. I kept clinging on to a friend, screaming and even became hot with fear.

My friend held me tight, spoke to me, snuggled me but it didn’t help much. I was shit scared and the fear didn’t dissolve. However, the care received in that little time was impeccable.

The little whispers, the light strokes on my hand, the constant concern, made me felt loved. It is rare to receive care in your worst moment.

To be loved when all you feel is panic and anxiety for facing your worst kind of fear. And when you do get it, it is never enough!

My cousin and I were on our way to the aarti and we got speaking about our next travel plan. He spoke about how he wishes his friend to not miss many treks. We discussed how we can’t really do much about his friend missing out on so much.

I could relate to this feeling because I have my favourite travel people too. It is only human to have favourites. But, my experience in my Nature Club camps has made me stronger.

My first camp, I went because I knew one person out of the entire group. On my second camp, I knew only two. On the third camp, there was no one, I still went for it and kept going irrespective of who could or couldn’t make it.

I believe, when you travel with someone, you connect to them on levels perhaps you normally wouldn’t. And when you find that bond, that connection, it is hard to let go. You wish to spend more time, knowing someone, exploring the place with that particular people.

With nature club today, I bond with so many people and each bond is so special in its own way. In my trek group too, I have my favourites and I cherish all these people.

I am overjoyed when all my people are present on the same trip. It sucks the same when they don’t make it. This is exactly what my cousin was feeling.

He has also felt the bond, the connection with his friend, he wants to trek and travel with this friend. He wants his friend to explore more and experience all the fun. I could relate to it when you feel this bond with someone, it is never enough!

Why is it never enough? Because who doesn’t like being loved? Who doesn’t like being taken care of? Who doesn’t wish to share a strong bond?

When we receive something, we want more of it. We expect everything in the universe to fall in place for us to have that one feeling. And, that is where we go wrong.

I believe, true bliss is in the ability to let go and not expect. To be happy when you receive and not crave for when you don’t. This is difficult and so is the ultimate feeling of peace.

We all crave for something, a special someone’s love, a mom’s hug, a dad’s smile, a friend’s company. We are all humans when we have such expectations and sometimes irrational wants. It is okay to feel so, but it isn’t okay to let this feeling affect anything else in our life.

I know someone who ruined her life because she didn’t receive the same amount of love from someone with whom she was for more than seven years. I have so many people on my Instagram and Facebook, perfect examples of bad parenting and broken families and how they are ruining their life in crave of that little love at home.

The sorrow might not be the same for all but they have one cause in common, expectation. It is so very hard to not expect. To not crave for love. It is only human to feel the need to be loved and feel extremely low when you don’t.

This struggle is real, in its smallest form and on the biggest level. But hopefully, we are able to raise ourselves above it and witness the true bliss.

I am not saying it is easy but is possible. I do not believe in heaven so much, but sure know we can feel peace right here on earth. If you feel this kind of bliss, dm me about it on Insta @nisha_navgire

September 23, 2018

Funny Guy

About you funny guy
I am unable to decide
Whether I should come and express
Or let it be within me
Should I tell you
How I feel
Should I tell you
How you make me feel
About you funny guy
I am not sure
How you will react
To the volcanoes of emotions
To the thunder storm of feelings
To the flood of hormones
I feel
When I am around you
Funny guy
Do you have a single clue of this?
Slighest idea?
Tell me you do
Tell me you feel the same
Tell me you are as attracted to me as I am
Tell me, I am beautiful
Tell me, you care
I am sorry funny guy
I feel desperate
And it feels like a rebound
And so wrong in my head
To come and express to you
What I feel
As it is, telling someone what I feel is difficult
And in trivial matters as such
I feel I am not capable enough
I don’t feel I deserve you
But I definitely feel for you
And hope to tell you one day

I send in this poem, expressing what I felt.
I got a poem back as a response, stay tuned to read that!

March 3, 2018

BRO Quotes

It is like the drive up Nathu La

was listening to music,

while the drive down

understanding the lyrics.

As the ride took little pace

suddenly I saw a picture of my dad

yes, in my driver

it usually happens to me when

I speak to elderly men

The climate outside was getting cooler

As we drived up

But monsoon had began within

As my cheeks felt the showers

Each horrible memory of my childhood

Playing like a movie

It wasn’t Sanam my driver

It was his warm personality

Also he was too handsome to be my dad

Whenever I see a good elderly man

I think what if even a percent of this man my dad would be

So different each day of my childhood would be

Then suddenly a BRO Quote appears

“Tough times don’t last, tough people do”

So true I murmured under my breath

Sanam, was kind

He felt the vibe

He shared how he misses his small daughter

But this made my rain showers

Become silent thunder storms

Sanam didn’t know what went wrong

As I was already a bit low

But ‘missing’ the word only

Reminded me of my sister

How I wished to be there

At the airport, to wish her goodbye

To tell her, in one way or another

Intentionally or no

She did shape me into the person

I have turned out to be

but I am an awkward human

I know I wouldn’t have said so

If I was there, would have

Helped her and may be hugged her

And her behaviour would as ususal

Make me wish to stab her

Again a BRO Quote I read

“BRO it is never too late”

I wonder if it was to

Tell my sister what she means to me

Or to stab her

Smiling slightly I got down near a lake

Me and Sanam caught hands, had a quite walk

Without a single word

Just absorbing the beauty of the place

Silently, admist the touristy chaos

Just before I entered the jeep again

I saw a mother trying to save her small kid

From the cold, she held him inside her own jacket

I tried to see her till the last moment

The climate changed outside

As the clouds started covering the roads

So did the stormy clouds cover my heart

And heavy rains made my only tutle neck sweater wet

First time in the ride my crying made a sound

However I am too good making it feel

Like a cough & nose cleaning sound

How could I let her be alone

In a moment I knew she would need me the most

Dad is never there when needed

Grandma had left us abrubtly

Neha had to leave

How could I have been so selfish

And come for this IV?

I read a BRO Quote again

“BRO look on the bright side”

For the first time ever

I smiled in the middle of tears

Yes I thought

Wasn’t it all worth it

To be here, in the middle of clouds

And with these people #onelasttime

Meeting so many people

Formally and on the roads

I had consoled myself

As we almost reached Gangtok

When again a BRO Quote appeared

“BRO you live only once”

As if summing up my entire

Emotional Turmoil in the drive down

Sanam and BRO Quotes became my new BROs

I am not sure of meeting these BROs again

But they have given me a lesson

I will rewind again and again

February 25, 2018

Do It Right

I got to finally blogging every week, maintained a travel book, a monthly planner, an ideation book, read many books, drew few doodles/drawings and wrote poems for Insta posts. In one sentence, this is my entire 2017.

I didn’t write poetry until Jan last year. There was a certain amount of fear I had about poetry especially looking at the way it has all expanded over the internet. It scared me. Like a big canvas.

I realized, when you first start drawing in school you start from a small book and not on a canvas. That’s exactly what I did with my poetry.

I started with whatever images I had and started writing poetry on each. Over the year I gained courage and wrote few poems on various pictures I clicked during my travels and made sure I pushed myself to post it on my Insta profile.

I felt similar fear with doodling too. Doodling on A4 page scared me. When I cut it into four parts I doodled with confidence and results looked good too. Also, I realized I doodle or draw more when I need clarity of thoughts. I observed that after a bit of drawing, doodling I was able to pen down thoughts fluently.

Chaos in my mind is a common thing as I am one of them who over thinks too. So I always keep with me few small white papers and loads of stationary for safety.

IMG_20180107_135024162 — Some doodling/drawing from last year which managed to look good

Untill last year I would read one book in like 2-3 months. I would always want to read more but never would end up doing so. I tried to figure out why this was happening. I never read anything on weekends and during big trips. The only time I read sincerely was daily in local trains.

So I tricked myself and kept two books in my bag. I read one while going to work and other on my way back. In a span of a month, I finished both. I have decided to keep this habit going and continue reading more this year around.

One of the biggest achievement last year personally was being able to write my blog every week. And this I would completely credit to the other big change in my life, my first job.

Being at work 5 days of the week made me realize the importance of spending time on something I love to do. The thought of losing the core of my being due to a job terrified me and hence I kept writing every week.

As a reflex reaction to calm my body, I traveled. I have said it before and I say it again, travelling in a way is my therapy, a way I heal myself. And therefore a huge part of me is inclined towards it. I know come what may, I’ll be travelling various places this year around too.

To do it right, to achieve what you want I suggest figure out your body clock. I am a morning person and I end up ideating and being more productive in the morning. Figure this out, it will ease the process of achieving what you want.

Figure out how you function, tap your own habits. Like how I figured when I read the most and when I didn’t. Analyse yourself and try to absorb your natural behaviour into the tasks you wish to do.

At the end of the day, only you can help your boat sail. Making resolutions is merely saying it. I would suggest don’t say, make your boat sail through it, do it and do it right.

I have penned down here how I managed to do it right, I hope it inspires you to have a more productive year. All the best!

My last week of the year was beautiful in Ranthambore, Rajasthan.
A post on the travel coming up soon. Until then, my insta (@nishanavgire)
will have pictures from the trip with poems of course!

January 7, 2018

Things I learned from the Mumbai Local

When you live in Mumbai suburbs, conversations about the local train is bound to happen. This post is about what I learned from my five year mumbai local travel.

Years back I met an old man at Dadar station waiting for a train, he asked me a question which I couldn’t answer, “How many years do you wish to live?” It was random, I was standing beside him, both of us awaiting the train when he turns to me and asks the question. I look at him bewildered. The train arrives, he smiles and walk towards it. He perhaps asked me so looking at my weak health or me being on phone the full 10 mins we stood beside each other, I am not sure.

I am used to eating in train. A year ago when I was eating breakfast, I had a bit and was keeping my tiffin, when an aunty beside me who was dug in her phone all this while turned to me and said “finish it” I looked at her, smiled and offered her “you finish it” came her reply. I finished my breakfast for the first time in a while, that day.

Both these incidents were random but spoke volumes to me and hence close to my heart. Though, everything about the local train is not a feel good experience. There is a clasist feel present where in everybody in first class coach judge people by clothes and looks and fight if they feel that a person belongs to second class coach.

The Mumbai Local did teach me balance, practically balancing on one foot and in life too. Giving an elderly person seat, providing a helping hand to a stranger, helping someone with basic needs like water, helping a pregnant lady etc, these small acts of humanity occur in the same space where as I said above people don’t behave properly to people of lower work status or who seem too different than us. There has been a balance of good and bad experiences on the train.

One important thing that Mumbai Local has made me understand is how different men and women are. The way men manage the seats in the train and the way women do it is so strikingly different. Men do not claim seats; they stand and after a while of travelling say half hour, men standing sit. Women claim seats and sit accordingly. I have no clue why both do it so differently but thanks to this I know, men and women think different. People who wish to study gender, kindly note and help me find answer to this.

Something that saddens me though about local train is the behavior of the educated illiterates. Why I call them so? Who are they? The ones who are educated, might have jobs too and still get up from seat to throw trash out of the train door, or out of the train window. Any of you guilty ones reading this, please stop doing it. Anyone know who does this, make them stop, please!

The more I think about my mumbai local journeys, the more I feel blessed of being a Mumbaikar who travels. In a jam packed local train the one hanging at the door envies the one who is a step inside, the one inside envies the one standing comfortably inside, the one standing inside envies the one sitting comfortably and the person sitting wonders how they’ll manage to get down. Isn’t this how we feel about life? Don’t you have that one person you feel whose life is better than yours? We as humans always feel that the other is in a better shape than us, when the truth is, we are at the same game of life, dealing it in our ways and its upon us to make the most of what we have.

Local train journeys have taught me enjoying and respecting the journeys more than destinations. We all wish to reach somewhere, become something, but it’s the journeys that make us what we are.

If you are reading this, I hope you stop, smile and pat yourself for the journey you have lived so far. As John Lennon said it, life is happening to us when we are planning everything else.

November 18, 2017