Before leaving,
“I only know one person in the entire group. I am extremely nervous about this trip.”
“Don’t be Maa, leave all your worries behind and you’ll do great!”
After coming,
“How was it Maa?”
“More than what I could ask for!”
I was overwhelmed to hear Mom’s stories of the amazing week she had touring around Gujarat. She saw many places, made new friends and spent time like there’s no tomorrow. It was her week off from the world to be with herself.
I remember on one of the calls she told me yesterday was still fine but today if you would have been here, you would get bored with the full day temple visits we had. I smiled and said, you have fun Mom, do what makes you happy.
I sank into a pool of guilt instead of joy after hearing her tell stories of the trip. I couldn’t do what she asked me of. I spiralled. I did the study but I got drunk twice. If I tell her the entire truth of what I did she would be disappointed. I felt low for letting her down.
It sucks, even more, to do something wrong and not get caught. My guilt weirdly annoys me when this happens. I am happy for her wonderful week and angry for doing something she wouldn’t approve of.
From the time she retired, she has been more relaxed. But, yet the constant concern for me, sister, and dad do bother her. But, this was her first full week off and away from all three of us and anything else that disturbs her.
I could see the joy in her eyes when she spoke of how one night till 3am all four of them kept laughing, talking and sharing. ‘I never felt that relaxed, taken care of and on my own before. I am happy I went on this trip.’
This is what travel does to you. Gives you time with you. I’ll make sure she gets to do this more often. Life is meant to be lived at least for a while, without all that bothers you. If you don’t do so, please try to give yourself that time, you deserve it.
A day before she left I figured I’ll be missing my December camp of five days due to exams. I was shattered. I couldn’t digest this fact for the longest. I am counting days until when I’ll get to be out and travel again. I hope I do soon.
I wonder how mom has done and lived her life without having her me-time or days off from her routine. I can’t think of so at twenty and she has lived for sixty plus years. How? I am already panicking what if I don’t trek also and month end just like that? OMG! I hope not, I’ll surely go crazy.
When Maa was growing up, supporting her family kept her busy. She married late for the same reason and then priority changed to my sister and me. The time never came to even think to live for herself, travel and roam with friends.
Today, gangs of friends roaming around together are common, back in her day it wasn’t and perhaps only for the rich. Joy was entitled in smaller things like family picnics, community games and festivals. It was never a thing to go out on your own to feel happy or enjoy.
I have always had the urge to go out of the house. Maa knows why more than anyone. She knows why I began travelling and what it is to me today. She supports all my travelling desires and helps me fight anything that comes in way of my travel.
She listens to all my travel stories, keenly watches all my videos, and glances all my photos after every trip. Her eyes always convey the joy, it feels as though she lives through all that I travel. The tea talk with her after each trip is as precious and unique as all trips I have.
This time to be at the other end of the tea talk and hear her narrate the experience was priceless. I can rewind the hour-long chat again and again. I have promised myself to help her have this week more often, not so well with promises, but hopefully, do this one.
More than anything, this week I realized that I am weak. I could have avoided doing something and focused more on my study. I could have been a better daughter in many ways. I behaved stupid and did many things wrong.
But I am glad that I figured this towards the end of the year. I know in so many ways I have grown as a person and there is so much more left to be learned. I hope you find out what you do or did wrong, this week or year, and figure a way to grow.
@nisha_navgire on Insta, if you wish to connect and converse further.