This weekend I learned a new skill. It is a common word, you must have heard it, used it many times. I wonder if you have this skill as I managed to imbibe it in the most unique way possible over the course of this weekend.
I had two things I was looking forward to on Monday. One, to get done with a paper I thought was tough. Two, to meet someone I haven’t for the longest. The second reason motivated me to study throughout the exam season as well.
On Friday however, a day before an easy exam, Maa decided to open up to me about her anxious thoughts. We spoke for hours and cried about a problem we face on a daily basis. It was the most emotionally exhausting hours for me in recent times.
However, we tried to gather pieces and managed to get past it and smiled. We discussed a few solutions and got back to our routine tasks needed to be done. She aced her cooking, knitting and other daily tasks. I took a while to study but managed to do well for the not so difficult paper on Saturday.
The exam was as easy as I had thought it would be. But when I came back with plans to study I was surprised to see what was in store. Mom was low yet again. It was even difficult bound of emotions this time. I had to repeat the exact same words I did a day ago and then she felt fine.
I don’t know what feels sadder, to see her break so often or to realize that she is getting old. I am writing about her for three weeks in a row now and it is evident how close our bond is. But, accepting that she is ageing, breaking so often for things she handled well a few years back, kills me inside.
I am an over-thinker, and I kept thinking how emotionally difficult it is for me now, that when I decide to move away to study? How will we both handle it? Her anxiety had passed onto me. But I had to keep all this at bay and think about study routine the next morning.
Entire Sunday went by studying. In the evening, I got the news of the most awaited plan with a friend being cancelled. I couldn’t keep it in after that. I broke in like a baby. All I wanted was to meet this friend.
The pillow was wet that night with all these thoughts yet careful to not wake Maa besides me. I had given her hopes of us managing it and all my lies came back to me. The conversation with Maa along with the news of the plan being cancelled, made my eyes swell and kept my cheek wet all night before I finally dozed off.
Next morning I got up, revised whatever I had to. Wrote well the paper I thought was the toughest one. Came back home for lunch, ate and slept. I evaluated the last two days and figured how I had nailed it.
I realized how I learnt to focus. How in spite of all the things going left, I kept doing what was the right thing to do. I think, if I ever feel lead down, demotivated, and feel difficult to focus, I’ll rewind these two days and tell myself, that I am capable of much more.
Evidently, the purpose of this post is to spread the hope of how though we can be put in the worst situations, we can still focus and do what is needed of us. That over-thinking is a crappy habit and one must learn to unlearn it as soon as possible!
The other important thing is about expectation. I had put all my hopes on meeting that one friend. I thought of how I’ll feel happy, I had daydreamed about it for weeks. Which exactly made me feel worse later on.
I am yet to learn how to not expect and put all joyous expectation from one thing or event. But kind of in the midst of celebrating how I was able to focus well. Hopefully, get back soon about how I learned to not expect and daydream!
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