‘It doesn’t feel right until I feel challenged. Until I question my ability to do it. Until I actually wish to give up and then cross my own threshold to do it!’ I exclaimed so to one of my fellow trekkers while we climbed Nageshwar caves this weekend.

I like to keep pushing my limits and enjoy something more when it gets tougher. Sometimes I add the difficulties on my own, and sometimes I face hurdles, either way, the process to get through something harsh for me is enjoyable.

I crib, I cry, I even get panicky and mad but I enjoy each bit of it. I love trekking and travelling for this very reason. As being outdoors means to keep extending the boundaries and learn things on all levels – physical, social and even intellectual.

This weekend, I was bombarded with many leanings. Physically, Nageshwar-Vasota trek made me feel challenged, it wasn’t a piece of cake but it wasn’t impossible. I kept singing to the mountains and my joy didn’t let me focus on anything else!

This is exactly one of the major learning from the mountains, joy. When you’re happy you can overcome things better. When you begin to enjoy something, fear or any other emotion will cease to exist in the situation.

I never felt fear while climbing mountains, but I keep thinking a lot of trash which isn’t required that comes in the way of enjoying moments. Once I am on the mountains, all the trash fades away, I sing, hop and enjoy being with the mighty mountains and soon within me, there is only the joy that remains.

We had reached Nageshwar Caves and before we headed to Vasota, it was time to hog so we reached near the well where we decided to eat. Before we began we noticed a rat snake trapped in the net above the well.

The climb till here wasn’t easy for anyone but suddenly the hunger, the tiredness everything flew away. The prime focus was only to rescue this beautiful huge creature. I don’t know how it got stuck there but it was a pure moment of relief to see it rescued and go its own way.

For the first time, I held in my hand the tail of such a huge snake. I was happy to have witnessed a big snake but to see it trapped and bleeding made me cringe too. I am proud of my group’s attempt to rescue it, after all, I don’t just simply brag that I travel with the best people!

This incident is a classic example of how fear can kill the joy of a moment. People who had too much fear couldn’t see the beauty of snake like the rest. My hand was shaky but I still went and touched the snake. To experience the wild this way has its own thrill. I am happy this snake gave a visit to our lives and I hope it heals and lives an amazing life!

‘Your first impression was mean, rude but it is okay now,’ shared a trekker. It felt weird to accept this, though deep down I knew it is true. I asked another trekker and it definitely turned out to be true. I don’t know the reason, perhaps, the initial layer of rudeness is my line of defence!

Having said that, I’ll try to not be mean, though I know I am. I am the most awkward social being, I know I am improving and I’ll only get better. Social skills are tough to develop especially after you have lived two decades on the planet being how you are.

My sense of geography is bad. So bad that it is a point of laughter for the group. I have zero clue why it is so. I have travelled so many places, but it is so difficult to locate them all on a map for me. Or to even remember which fort comes in which mountains range! This is something I dearly need to work on until then I’ll have to deal with the laughter.

In my life apart from travel, I try to live the same. I try to let joy help me overcome hurdles. It is true, smiling through a situation makes it less difficult to handle. I can’t help fade my line of defence, but it is in the process, one day I’ll be less rude and become a kinder person.

And about geographical learning, I am not sure how do I work on this. Hopefully, I’ll figure it out soon. For now, I feel grateful for my Nageshwar-Vasota trip as it made me reflect and given me pointers to work on for the year. I’ll forever be in debt of the mountains!

‘Choose a job you love and you’ll never have to work a single day in your life!’ these words by an ancient Chinese sage, Confucius, came to life for me this week. From Tuesday I’ve been on my toes working, I didn’t even get my first weekend off and I am still not complaining.

I had a choice. I could have said no, I could have tried to get my weekend holiday. But I didn’t wish to. I love doing what I do now so much that I just wanted to keep going. Yet my mind is unable to rest…

What if I go wrong? What if I do something inappropriate? Will all really fall into place? What next? What after a few years?

This is the beauty of an anxious mind. It will never let you rest and feel happy for long. It will keep thinking about future and other things and fuck the current moment up. My anxious mind is an expert for always killing all my joyous moments!

I was finally happy and living my dream job like moment and each time I was too overwhelmed, my mind knocked and said, hey, what next?

Anxiety is an evil twin you would never wish to have. It dwells within you and works against you. But, proudly I can say, I won this battle of anxiety this week. It was tough but I answered to all the anxious thoughts, kept the unreasonable ones at bay and kept going.

I have changed my stream from being a writer to being a field officer practising social work. I am only at the start of my learning curve and I know there is a long way to go. Yes, I can go wrong, do many mistakes but it would only add to my learning.

I will be dealing with children on a daily basis and it won’t be easy. I’ll have to imbibe many new skills. I will have to put conscious efforts to make sure I behave appropriately. An honest conscious effort to make kids behave the way I want would be tedious, but not impossible.

I can answer my anxiety other questions, I can form positive answers and feel at peace for a while. But, the questions about what next, what after a few years, will all really fall into place, I never have answers to!

This is the unreasonable part of an anxious mind. If anxiety dwells in you like it does within me, this question will do the rounds in your mind often. The only way I get out of it is, ‘oh ho ab toh job hi ho so’

Yes, music is the answer. I sing to myself all reassuring songs. I sing to myself that I should just do my duty right, do what I am ought to at the moment with full honesty and the rest should be fine.

There are a hundred things that can go wrong, but one true will to do something right can pull you through it. If anxious thoughts attack you, this answer can help. It is tried and tested!

I don’t know what lies next, I don’t know what will happen after a few years, but I will surely not let these anxious questions ruin my today. I will keep doing what I should with a belief that the rest shall fall into place!

January 2018 gave me the courage to leave a job and take up a course I had in mind. January 2019 has given me an opportunity to take up a job that is sort of like a dream one. What a roller coaster phase this has been between these two events!

The first half of last year went away in weekday work and weekend travel. I couldn’t physically or mentally be in any other mind frame- only work and travel. I got done with my job by May, after which I went to Spiti Valley.

I was back to having no job in hand, zero ideas of what to do with life. I didn’t really do much for two months apart from searching for jobs in NGOs but to no help. From August to December I got busy with my college assignments and exams.

And since I wasn’t really doing much, this year begin with a lot of panics. I kept applying to five NGOs every day, I was restless with other personal things happening. I was flipping and spiralling, but there was still hope alive somewhere and my smile didn’t fade away.

Halfway down the first month of the year, I went for a trek. I was at the top of Segawa Fort, I was sitting there alone, looking at the beautiful range, feeling the calm breeze, smiling at the not so harsh sun, trying to feel calm.

It felt as if my dear mountains gave me reassurance to keep my hope alive, to keep smiling. It felt as if the mountains knew what was in store for me the very next day. I sang to myself one of my favourite lines ‘kyun is kadar hairan tu, mausam ka hai mehman tu’ and begin to walk down.

I told myself how last year this time things were way worse, I was unhappy and frustrated with what I was doing. How now I have come to a point where I know what I wish to do. What I wish to live for and at least this tiny thing has been figured.

I smiled the entire way down. I ate to my heart’s content before coming back home. When I was back home, reality hit me hard again. The moments of peace a few hours back flushed off. All panic and anxiety of what to do again slapping my face.

I couldn’t sleep this night after the trek, which is rare as usually I get tired and don’t realize when I doze off. I was so uneasy my heartbeats were fast too. I somehow slept for a while and got up in a haze.

When I got up I figured it was a day that marks two years to losing grandma. My uneasiness notched another level. I had a bad panic attack and tried to sleep through it the first half of the day.

When I got up, ate lunch and figured I got the dream job. I couldn’t believe my eyes. This NGO works for a cause I so truly believe in. I couldn’t take it all in and finally, joy came out through my eyes.

I called a few people and shared my joy. I don’t think I will sleep tonight as well in excitement for this new phase I am beginning with. The journey between two Januaries has been bumpy, but I didn’t let go of one thing – hope!

I don’t know what this new phase will be like, but I know how hard it has been to come till here. I know and have the main thing to carry on this new journey – Hope! I know that whatever that shall come my way from now on, the past year has prepared me for it. And I’ll flow smiling through it.

The point of sharing this little extract of my life at this moment (Jan’19)
is to tell you the importance of ‘hope and smile’ for dealing with life!

‘I wasn’t good at one subject. I felt I would fail. I felt scared. I managed to express this to my friends. They helped me get past my fear, study better and I scored decent marks. Always tell your friends what you feel, once it is out there, solutions can be found to what you face’

Pratik, a class ninth student shared this when asked about sharing a learning from some problem faced. What learning indeed! I till date struggle to share a crisis. I can’t ask for help when I know I am terribly in need of it. I like to solve things for others but to share what I face, takes courage which I don’t have yet.

Pratik effortlessly gave me my first lesson of the year. Listening to Pratik and observing this session, I felt like its high time I gather some courage and speak up.

‘In a group, it is important to listen to all members. A group can have a fruitful outcome only if all members have a say, and the group’s goal is above all personal goals’

A class eight kid said when asked about the learning from a group activity called ‘human knot’. Such simple learning but something core to the functioning of almost all kinds of organizations everywhere.

I remember as a kid, we would play games in a group. We would gather for a common goal of play. We would have our fights and there would be differences as to what game to play, where to play but nothing ever affected the core goal of play.

Now, as I see personal fights come in way of group meets and goals, in different groups that I am part of, it feels stupid. Feels like to take all to their childhood and show them, how simple it is to live and function as a group. I wonder how we unlearn all this as we grow.

Both these experiences I had were on the fourth and fifth day of the year respectively. I had the above two big lessons. I engraved both and wrote in my diary a few more things I can learn.

One of the first things I wish to learn is active listening. This goes beyond listening words, it is about listening to the unsaid words, the actions, the body language, the vibe. I wish to imbibe this skill to know more of a person.

I wrote this because I saw how well the kids on both days sensed a vibe. How good kids are at learning from the unsaid words. Twice I observed one pick up other’s bad mood quick and inform it to the teacher to help fix it. What a skill to have!

Many of the kids I interacted with perhaps didn’t have a happy backstory. Their life of a few years on earth perhaps had more struggles than what I have faced till today. But the beauty of childhood is, no backstory affects play!

When these kids played, they didn’t carry any burden of any kind. They live in the moment. In spite of harsh times, they have the power to let go of all of it, live their age for the little while they are with the Toybank field officers.

I didn’t have many board games while growing up. But I learned maximum from the few I had. I remember all the outdoor games that we played. I don’t have the courage to talk to all the group members I played with as a kid. Things I can perhaps try to do this year.

More than everything, I learned how simple the idea of life is for a kid. And how important it is to protect the innocence and imbibe all needed skills at the right age. This is exactly what I wish to work for the rest of my life.

I don’t exactly know how, but this is it, this is what I wish to do. Thank you 2019, within the first few days you have shown me, made me see in reality, what is it that I wish to work for, what is ‘cause’ I want to live for!

Last post in this series and of 2018. I loved my blog journey this year. I hope you enjoyed it as much and have something to take back from this post too.

Have you ever felt so joyous that you couldn’t put it to words? You couldn’t express it in any other form either? All you could do is feel it, be mesmerized! I have. And this year I am grateful I felt so many times.

On my first trek to Baglan Range, when I reached the top of Salher, I saw many mountain ranges in front of me. I got lost in the beauty of the moment. I sat there, gawking at the mountains and reflected on my thoughts.

The mess in my mind cleared and I felt a weird joy rush in me. I sang and danced the entire walk down and the rest of the trip. Yes, that’s how joy flows out of me – through random singing and dancing. I get detached of reality, it is just me, the mountains making me feel happy and my mad celebration of it!

‘How do you manage to travel so much?’
‘How do you manage to have so much time?’
‘Who do you go with? Who takes care of you?’
‘Do you seriously trek? You are tiny, don’t you faint by the end?’

And so much more. These are a few common questions I was asked the entire year. But my answer to all of these is – ‘It is all about choices!’

I choose to travel. It makes me happy. I do it because I want to. It is difficult to choose it over a close friend’s birthday, or over a weekend sleep. It is what you choose to do a weekend in hand that makes you either have twenty plus trips a year like me or the travel year you have had.

This year I mastered the art of planning. I planned out time for all. There were weekends with friends, there were weekends with family, and then there were the best ones with my dear mountains. My friends and family know where my heart lies and that helps me plan my trips well. I hope to continue doing so in the New Year.

Once the decision is made to travel, the other issues pop up. Whom to go with? Where to? How to? And the rest. Fortunately, for me, all of these is taken care of by my cousin and his friends. I only bag pack and leave. For bigger trips my college nature club does and I just go.

I am blessed with these two groups I travel with. I hope to not lose either, but now I am at a point in life that I’ll travel with any group. I’ll find someone somewhere, just backpack, hope to be safe and go. There is no holding back now.

Why I say so because this year I let go of all the ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ I had about my travel ventures. Only the two of us, me and my cousin, went to Songiri Fort. Different combinations of four people trekked Rajgadh and Harihar Forts. I went to Sondai and Chanderi forts without my cousin.

I merged a few of my two groups on a trip to Vasai Fort. The best one was six people trek to Tandulwadi where I didn’t know anyone too well. It was quite literally to ‘let go and travel’ kind of year!

I didn’t let the number of people, or the combination of people hold me back from travelling. This is the prime reason for having such a grateful travel year. Yes, I missed many people on many trips, but life is like that. Not all humans can stay with you on all paths of life.

Talking about life, at this moment, everything is falling apart in many ways. Past few weeks has been full of weird emotional turmoil. But, as I reflect on the trips I have had this year, the smile comes back to my face, I have hope alive in me somewhere again.

My Konkan trip can be marked as the one giving me hope. We went in May, and things didn’t work out as planned, instead, we faced a crisis. Yet, the start of October had us execute the Konkan plan.

I love when things are planned, organized. I like everything to be done orderly. As my life right now feels to be falling apart, all orders being messed up, these two trips give me hope. Hope that everything will happen when it has to, I can only do little in the master plan carved for me already.

Not God exactly, but I believe in destiny and karma. Reflecting on both Konkan trips, I can tell myself to be calm. To do what I am ought to and leave the rest. Not everything in life can be planned, and it is part of life to face crisis and to grow through it.

The Konkan trip in October was special as I had a one moment of stomach-aching laughter, during the return journey of this trip. I have had many hearty laughs and Jawhar trip was joyous too, but this one was one of the best!

I wish I could pen the joke and make you laugh too, but it won’t, alas! Travel more guys, and if you are lucky, perhaps with ‘us’! I am grateful for this ‘us’ I proudly referred, but I don’t know how long this will last.

This week as I pen my last post of the year, two of my close trekking mates got hitched. As happy I am for the new chapter in their lives, I am equally or perhaps more concerned about the changes that might occur. Yes, it all boils down to choices.

I wonder if I’ll have their company for trips now, I can only hope. I am grateful for all the treks I have had till now. I don’t know what other changes are in store for the following year, but I sure am prepared.

I can proudly say that this year, I climbed a mountain, rappelled down a mountain through water and even in the dark. Bhairavgadh (Moroshi), Sandhan Valley, Bekare Waterfall, and Linagana loaded me with these experiences.

I wish to have every sort of experience around a mountain. I’ll continue to climb yes, but I wish to do all sort of adventure around it as well. This is part of my wishlist and I know I’ll do all of it someday.

One season that removes the most craze part of me is the monsoon. Sahyadri during rains is pure love! I haven’t had a single monsoon trek where I didn’t sing of joy this year. Siddhagadh, Manikgadh, Goarkhgadh, and Kamandurg felt like I was in la-la land. I couldn’t have asked for a better monsoon trek line up. I can’t stop my grin as I think of all these rainy trips!

Apart from Vasai Fort, I had three trips with my college Nature Club this year – Spiti Valley, Tree Plantation in Pinghals (Karjat), and Tansa Trail. Spiti Valley was such a saga. I am grateful that I can rewind and be at the highest post office posting cards to my loved ones, be at the highest village, monastery and even petrol pump!

Himalayan mountains are so huge, life there is so different, each time I come back, I feel small, and my life issues even smaller. I always get a lesson of how graceful and kind I should be. I’ll thrive to explore more sides of the mighty Himalayas to know more about them and learn more about life!

Tansa trail was a rainy get away. I felt fortunate to spot many different creatures and learn even about varieties of flora and fauna. I wish I could make time for more, but I am glad I had that one tree plantation session this year.

Nature Club trips add to my learning curve every time. It always manages to open up a new window of knowledge in me. It reminds me of the need to read, explore and learn more about nature. Each trip helps me respect mother earth more and find ways to give back to it.

2018 will be special as twenty-two trips are my maximum in a year! I am anxious about how the New Year will unfold in terms of travel. I hope I manage to follow my motto to ‘let go and travel’ and perhaps out past this year. Cheers to that!

I am grateful for the vibrant people I met this year. However, it is an irony that I write about being blessed for people I met, the week I completely spent time with me. For the first time, I went for a movie, lunch and even got drunk all alone. I could have done all of these people, but I chose not to.

The peace and sanity of this week that I received after spending time alone is definitely something to hook onto. Yet, I can’t deny how few people re-entered my life this year and changed it for the good.

Last year, I saw a web series that portrayed how the lead character had no one to vent out to about life struggles and hence decides to die. This made me think about people I could have put in efforts to stay in touch as one never knows who is in need.

I sent a text to all such friends. I did talk to these people last year. But me being me, I knew it would get difficult. It would need extra efforts to talk to these people apart from the usual I blabber to.

But to my own surprise, I improved the skill of being in touch with people this year. I managed to stay connected with these special people I text. I also managed to understand their value.

Around the end of August, two Pantars from my college squad left to study abroad. I realized the importance of all my Pantars. Each of us, so different yet managed to stay connected through college and now years after.

I can’t believe I never got kicked out and am still a member of the mad bunch we are together. Life has a reason to smile when you know there is a college squad who are there for you in need, who know you and can help you get up if you fall or spiral about life’s existence.

Apart from Panatrs and the people I text, I have managed to stay connected with a few others from college. I haven’t met them as often, but their presence is definitely there. Their random calls of concern add a smile to my face and joy of it lingers long after.

Around mid-year in a small town of Tabo, Spiti Valley, I met a guide, Durgen. “The climb might not be easy but let us try and enjoy it together,” He said this in content to the climb to Lari Caves. Though this became my motto for climbing every mountain after that, in reality, and in life.

Padma, his wife, on the climb to Lari made sure that our entire group reached the top. It got difficult and at a point impossible, but she with the help of her friend made sure we did it. Her selflessness, warmth and care dwelled in me, made me analyse of how kind I am and how much better I can be.

There is a tiny dream in me, after all my life struggles, be able to have a house in the mountains, live there with Maa and perhaps my better half for the rest of our lives. And be a guest to all my people who visit the mountains.

In Tabo village near our homestay, I met Anju Bota, who was perhaps living this dream of mine. She had a small house where she lived with her mother, husband and son. I wonder if she thought her life was beautiful, but for me it was. Meeting Anju Bota was like to see one of my dream goals come alive in front of me!

I could not have made it to Spiti Valley had it not been with Wilson College Nature Club (WCNC). A lot of what I am and what I have learned from my travel I owe it to Sir and WCNC. Each soul part of this club has made me a better human!

All my travel posts on trips with WCNC reflect my learnings. But, that isn’t enough. WCNC people have given me much more. I’ll have a post about each soul I am grateful to have come across through WCNC soon.

Apart from Spiti, I had twenty-one trips this year. These were around Maharashtra and max of them were to various forts. I have been trekking for around three years with a bunch of crazy travellers. This year, I realized the value of each.

Since I decided to let go and travel, there had been times when many of these were missing and I was out there in the mountains without them. Being a mountain baby, I never felt like a homeless kid, but for sure felt the absence of a few around.

Each from the crazy bunch of more than ten I trek with, missed various treks this year at varied points. It made me realize that yes nothing can take the joy away from me when I am on the mountains, but the presence of a few adds so much more to the happy ride!

I’ll perhaps have a post introducing all these lovely retards life had made me meet. And with whom treks become extra special. I don’t know when but I’ll surely pen my learning from each of them soon.

A month back I had the opportunity to witness what a beautiful human Luke Kenny is. For people who don’t know who he is, he is the actor who dies in Rock On movie and also the one who chops the thumb of Saif Ali Khan in Sacred Games.

Luke Kenny was the host of this fundraiser event for the NGO, Toybank. He, along with his band also performed at the end. On stage, he was a firecracker and off it a delight to speak to. I wonder if I can be as humble as he was to each and every person at the event.

All this chance encounters with these people above makes me feel rich. A wealthy person who met a bank of vibrant people around who added to my look at me as a person and life at large.

I perhaps can’t go up to each of these people I learned from, as I haven’t yet grown enough to have that sort of courage. But, this post is thank you to all these beautiful souls. I am truly grateful and one day I’ll manage to tell them all in person too.

Travel’18 is next and last post in this grateful series.
@nisha_navgire on Insta to talk anything further!

This post is first in the grateful series. Growth’18 is a reflective journey of my growth this year. I hope you have something to take back from my reflections.

This year had begun with uncertainty. Should I continue to do the shitty job? Or use the money saved to study further? All pros and cons thought through after which I finally enrolled in a course to study.

This kind of uncertainty is still there. Now that I am doing my masters, it keeps coming back to me that was it the right call? Is all this really going to work out? But, over the course of this year, I have calmed down. Learned to deal with such anxiety better.

Every time I am uncertain about something now, I sit down, clear my head about it completely. I jot down the pros and cons and every other layer in the middle. It doesn’t curb the anxiety of the future much but gives the confidence to deal with it better.

Middle of the year, I saw the moon reflect on the ice at the Rohtang Pass on my way back from Spiti Valley. I sang my heart out to it. All possible romantic songs I knew to express the beauty of that moment. It was mesmerizing.

I was short of words to express that feeling I was blessed with. The big pink ball grew white and reflected on the ice expressing love to me and I could only sit back and admire. I had to do something more, so I made a promise.

I promised to express more. I promised that when I am back home, I’ll meet people, tell the ones I care. I couldn’t express in words the joy of the moment, but I can surely go back and tell people how important they are to me.

I am a blabber kind, I’ll speak all kind of crap and have fun with you, but I’ll hardly speak or share. I came back and tried to express the joy of the moment again and when I couldn’t, I went back to any one of my dear ones and expressed what I felt for them.

I wrote about my entire journeys with them, accepted my flaws, and appreciated their patience. This helped me to accept myself better. And appreciate the presence of the dear ones in my life. It was a promise worth keeping.

This promise helped me get back a few people I had lost in my life. It helped me appreciate the presence of the ones I have and more importantly I learned to express. I realized that telling someone what I feel is worth the smile I see.

I still have a long way to go when it comes to expressing, meeting people, being there on group meets and talking to all in the group. I know I have distanced myself, for reasons unknown to me, but I am on this now. I’ll put more efforts in this hopefully.

One important promise to self at the end of last year was to let go and travel more. There were a lot of ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ that had made me miss out on many rainy and other travel opportunities. It sucked to have missed out on so much.

I have had the company of my cousin Sanish in every trek I have had. I discovered my love for travel, my need for it, how it heals me and everything that travel has ever given me because of him in many ways. I owe it to him.

This year, twice, I trekked without him. He couldn’t make it for unavoidable reasons. I had the time, I could go, I didn’t know if I should go without him. He said I should, I can and I did. Both the treks without him were different.

Every time I felt too happy, it occurred to me fuck, he missed it. It sucked for a second and then I would pray in the next few to the mountains, please show him a better picture when he can make it here.

Both the treks were full of this one cycle, crazy madness, one low moment followed by a little prayer to the mountains and back to the madness. I could never imagine being on a trek without his company, but now I have made peace with the crazy cycle.

There are a few more people apart from Sanish, their absence also gets me trapped in this weird emotional cycle. I know I have grown internally this year as I can make peace with my crazy cycle and come what may just let go and travel.

It might sound stupid but I have a confession to make. I have been the victim of the social media shit too. Watching the amaze sorted lives of the world has made me feel shit too. Yes, this year I was about to even shut down my blog for a minute!

I gave the stupid warning! But that’s how crazy social media has grown this year. I have seen people work, travel, write and do what not. The crap I saw on the internet made me question am I beautiful? Am I really a writer? Do I travel enough? What the hell is my life!

The minute I realized this is the day I was awake around 2am about to shut my blog completely because of one silly comment I received. I went back to my first post from where I began my journey and that post was a slap on my face.

‘Comparisons’ is the post where I have told myself to not compare, to be true to what I feel and keep doing what I know is right. I read it and felt how badly I had taken one critical feedback. That I need to be more open to criticism and not care what is out there.

I told myself that not all on the internet is true. No one is showing their struggles, their bad times. It is all about flaunting the amaze. And why not? I mean I hate to spread a low vibe, why should anyone waste time and energy on social media to express crap?

I don’t know if this is true, but now this is what I believe in. I believe that social media is a place to flaunt the good and hide the scars. This can perhaps be all false. But believing this has helped me survive the ‘I am crap’ attack I got.

I have carefully liked and followed pages that make me feel good. I see stories only of people I know who share the scars too. I haven’t un-followed but just made sure to not see the stories and updates of people who make me feel toxic.

I told myself that – this doesn’t mean you hate them or it would change the bond shared. But, this is important to keep you sane, to keep you away from the social media monster that could have ended what you love doing the most!

This major change in the way I use social media has made my take on life more positive. I haven’t grown enough to have the courage to see people do extremely well. But, I have grown enough to not be bothered by anyone’s life and focus on my own.

Grateful for People’18 and Travel’18 is next in the series.
@nisha_navgire on Insta to discuss any idea further.

This weekend I learned a new skill. It is a common word, you must have heard it, used it many times. I wonder if you have this skill as I managed to imbibe it in the most unique way possible over the course of this weekend.

I had two things I was looking forward to on Monday. One, to get done with a paper I thought was tough. Two, to meet someone I haven’t for the longest. The second reason motivated me to study throughout the exam season as well.

On Friday however, a day before an easy exam, Maa decided to open up to me about her anxious thoughts. We spoke for hours and cried about a problem we face on a daily basis. It was the most emotionally exhausting hours for me in recent times.

However, we tried to gather pieces and managed to get past it and smiled. We discussed a few solutions and got back to our routine tasks needed to be done. She aced her cooking, knitting and other daily tasks. I took a while to study but managed to do well for the not so difficult paper on Saturday.

The exam was as easy as I had thought it would be. But when I came back with plans to study I was surprised to see what was in store. Mom was low yet again. It was even difficult bound of emotions this time. I had to repeat the exact same words I did a day ago and then she felt fine.

I don’t know what feels sadder, to see her break so often or to realize that she is getting old. I am writing about her for three weeks in a row now and it is evident how close our bond is. But, accepting that she is ageing, breaking so often for things she handled well a few years back, kills me inside.

I am an over-thinker, and I kept thinking how emotionally difficult it is for me now, that when I decide to move away to study? How will we both handle it? Her anxiety had passed onto me. But I had to keep all this at bay and think about study routine the next morning.

Entire Sunday went by studying. In the evening, I got the news of the most awaited plan with a friend being cancelled. I couldn’t keep it in after that. I broke in like a baby. All I wanted was to meet this friend.

The pillow was wet that night with all these thoughts yet careful to not wake Maa besides me. I had given her hopes of us managing it and all my lies came back to me. The conversation with Maa along with the news of the plan being cancelled, made my eyes swell and kept my cheek wet all night before I finally dozed off.

Next morning I got up, revised whatever I had to. Wrote well the paper I thought was the toughest one. Came back home for lunch, ate and slept. I evaluated the last two days and figured how I had nailed it.

I realized how I learnt to focus. How in spite of all the things going left, I kept doing what was the right thing to do. I think, if I ever feel lead down, demotivated, and feel difficult to focus, I’ll rewind these two days and tell myself, that I am capable of much more.

Evidently, the purpose of this post is to spread the hope of how though we can be put in the worst situations, we can still focus and do what is needed of us. That over-thinking is a crappy habit and one must learn to unlearn it as soon as possible!

The other important thing is about expectation. I had put all my hopes on meeting that one friend. I thought of how I’ll feel happy, I had daydreamed about it for weeks. Which exactly made me feel worse later on.

I am yet to learn how to not expect and put all joyous expectation from one thing or event. But kind of in the midst of celebrating how I was able to focus well. Hopefully, get back soon about how I learned to not expect and daydream!

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Before leaving,

“I only know one person in the entire group. I am extremely nervous about this trip.”

“Don’t be Maa, leave all your worries behind and you’ll do great!”

After coming,

“How was it Maa?”

“More than what I could ask for!”

I was overwhelmed to hear Mom’s stories of the amazing week she had touring around Gujarat. She saw many places, made new friends and spent time like there’s no tomorrow. It was her week off from the world to be with herself.

I remember on one of the calls she told me yesterday was still fine but today if you would have been here, you would get bored with the full day temple visits we had. I smiled and said, you have fun Mom, do what makes you happy.

I sank into a pool of guilt instead of joy after hearing her tell stories of the trip. I couldn’t do what she asked me of. I spiralled. I did the study but I got drunk twice. If I tell her the entire truth of what I did she would be disappointed. I felt low for letting her down.

It sucks, even more, to do something wrong and not get caught. My guilt weirdly annoys me when this happens. I am happy for her wonderful week and angry for doing something she wouldn’t approve of.

From the time she retired, she has been more relaxed. But, yet the constant concern for me, sister, and dad do bother her. But, this was her first full week off and away from all three of us and anything else that disturbs her.

I could see the joy in her eyes when she spoke of how one night till 3am all four of them kept laughing, talking and sharing. ‘I never felt that relaxed, taken care of and on my own before. I am happy I went on this trip.’

This is what travel does to you. Gives you time with you. I’ll make sure she gets to do this more often. Life is meant to be lived at least for a while, without all that bothers you. If you don’t do so, please try to give yourself that time, you deserve it.

A day before she left I figured I’ll be missing my December camp of five days due to exams. I was shattered. I couldn’t digest this fact for the longest. I am counting days until when I’ll get to be out and travel again. I hope I do soon.

I wonder how mom has done and lived her life without having her me-time or days off from her routine. I can’t think of so at twenty and she has lived for sixty plus years. How? I am already panicking what if I don’t trek also and month end just like that? OMG! I hope not, I’ll surely go crazy.

When Maa was growing up, supporting her family kept her busy. She married late for the same reason and then priority changed to my sister and me. The time never came to even think to live for herself, travel and roam with friends.

Today, gangs of friends roaming around together are common, back in her day it wasn’t and perhaps only for the rich. Joy was entitled in smaller things like family picnics, community games and festivals. It was never a thing to go out on your own to feel happy or enjoy.

I have always had the urge to go out of the house. Maa knows why more than anyone. She knows why I began travelling and what it is to me today. She supports all my travelling desires and helps me fight anything that comes in way of my travel.

She listens to all my travel stories, keenly watches all my videos, and glances all my photos after every trip. Her eyes always convey the joy, it feels as though she lives through all that I travel. The tea talk with her after each trip is as precious and unique as all trips I have.

This time to be at the other end of the tea talk and hear her narrate the experience was priceless. I can rewind the hour-long chat again and again. I have promised myself to help her have this week more often, not so well with promises, but hopefully, do this one.

More than anything, this week I realized that I am weak. I could have avoided doing something and focused more on my study. I could have been a better daughter in many ways. I behaved stupid and did many things wrong.

But I am glad that I figured this towards the end of the year. I know in so many ways I have grown as a person and there is so much more left to be learned. I hope you find out what you do or did wrong, this week or year, and figure a way to grow.

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I think I was about four years old when I first danced on stage. It was three of us performing to the old Hindi song, ‘Aplum Chaplum’. I have been told that on stage during the performance I told my fellow dancer that she did a step wrong, she stopped, we both did the right step together after a second.

Proud parents in the audience still applauded to their children performing for the first time. I have a vague memory of this performance, but I remember the practice sessions. We were told that we will be taught these steps and will be expected to do these exact steps on stage.

That’s all I cared about. To do the exact steps taught and hence I stopped my fellow dancer on stage during the performance. I remember her hugging me after the dance thanking for correcting her, because even for her to obey what was told was important.

I can’t imagine the embarrassment of doing something similar on stage today. And surely not a hug but I would receive a slap on the face for doing so. But I think that’s the beauty of childhood innocence.

I like to be on the move and have been away from home. I know how to deal with that. But staying at home without mom or grandma is not something I have ever done. It is something new, it makes me feel like being kicked out of my comfort zone into some weird mixture feeling of anxiety with a tinge of sorrow.

As a kid, I was out there on a platform doing the dance as taught. My brain did not know what is a comfort zone, what is doing something new for the first time, what is anxiety and thinking or worrying of the future, it just knew to obey something told.

When I think of living an entire week by myself without mom or grandma, feeling all these weird emotions of sorrow, fear and more, I realize how much we complicate things as we grow up. How growing up gives us knowledge of things that backfires and ruins our peace.

As a kid, I was told to do things and I did it. Sometimes I could do it, sometimes I couldn’t. I remember joining dance and singing classes and not continuing singing as I couldn’t do it. That was how it worked.

Today, I think of trying new things, feel anxious while I do them, like the masters’ course I have taken to do. Today, I know what I am comfortable with, and what I am not comfortable with.

And the struggle now is always to get over the discomfort and do something new. It was so much better not knowing what makes me feel comfortable and what doesn’t. When it was only about trying things and knowing if I could do it or not.

As a kid, I have always lived away from mom as she was working. I would see her if I get up early in the morning or directly in the evening. This is why till date I have the habit of getting up early because I have done so since I was little.

Today, it is a year my mom has retired, and over a year since I lost my grandma. Either of these ladies has been with me every day on my journey of over twenty years. And having to live an entire week without both made me cringe.

Maybe this is why they say one should learn to live like a kid. To not know and hence not care what it means to ‘think about tomorrow’. Know no word as ‘problem’. Just do what is told and end of story.

Last night, that’s exactly what I remembered and told myself. I took my diary and wrote to me, told myself what to do. I wrote to me what is to be done. I’ll try to be the obedient kid I once was.

“You have exams up in days, study, eat, sleep and repeat, that’s it. To think of mom’s absence and someone’s presence is not going to help. Like you cared for doing the steps right, you will follow this. If you panic, feel low, stupid or anything, you’ll stop yourself, think of what is correct and do it. It is important to do the exact steps told, remember?”

The point of sharing this story and relating it to what I feel now is because I know I am not alone. I know as humans, we all have grown. We have left that kid in us far-far away. We have complicated our lives beyond imagination.

If you feel any struggle, discomfort, any other situation that makes you feel what now? What next? How do I do this? How to go about this? Or it feels like the word we have learned as we grew ‘problem’, think of how you would deal with it as a kid.

It might not work for everything and all kinds of situations but will open up a doorway to some sort of solution. I was miserable when I returned back home last night after leaving mom on the station as she left with her friends for a week. I tried this and it worked.

I hope this post made you think and comes back to your mind in time of need.
@nisha_navgire on Insta anytime for discussing any of my posts further.