‘Choose a job you love and you’ll never have to work a single day in your life!’ these words by an ancient Chinese sage, Confucius, came to life for me this week. From Tuesday I’ve been on my toes working, I didn’t even get my first weekend off and I am still not complaining.
I had a choice. I could have said no, I could have tried to get my weekend holiday. But I didn’t wish to. I love doing what I do now so much that I just wanted to keep going. Yet my mind is unable to rest…
What if I go wrong? What if I do something inappropriate? Will all really fall into place? What next? What after a few years?
This is the beauty of an anxious mind. It will never let you rest and feel happy for long. It will keep thinking about future and other things and fuck the current moment up. My anxious mind is an expert for always killing all my joyous moments!
I was finally happy and living my dream job like moment and each time I was too overwhelmed, my mind knocked and said, hey, what next?
Anxiety is an evil twin you would never wish to have. It dwells within you and works against you. But, proudly I can say, I won this battle of anxiety this week. It was tough but I answered to all the anxious thoughts, kept the unreasonable ones at bay and kept going.
I have changed my stream from being a writer to being a field officer practising social work. I am only at the start of my learning curve and I know there is a long way to go. Yes, I can go wrong, do many mistakes but it would only add to my learning.
I will be dealing with children on a daily basis and it won’t be easy. I’ll have to imbibe many new skills. I will have to put conscious efforts to make sure I behave appropriately. An honest conscious effort to make kids behave the way I want would be tedious, but not impossible.
I can answer my anxiety other questions, I can form positive answers and feel at peace for a while. But, the questions about what next, what after a few years, will all really fall into place, I never have answers to!
This is the unreasonable part of an anxious mind. If anxiety dwells in you like it does within me, this question will do the rounds in your mind often. The only way I get out of it is, ‘oh ho ab toh job hi ho so’
Yes, music is the answer. I sing to myself all reassuring songs. I sing to myself that I should just do my duty right, do what I am ought to at the moment with full honesty and the rest should be fine.
There are a hundred things that can go wrong, but one true will to do something right can pull you through it. If anxious thoughts attack you, this answer can help. It is tried and tested!
I don’t know what lies next, I don’t know what will happen after a few years, but I will surely not let these anxious questions ruin my today. I will keep doing what I should with a belief that the rest shall fall into place!