Embracing Uncertainty

I was down there, on my bathroom floor, sobbing. I have done so before for legit reasons but this was the first time I didn’t know the reason. It was just a burst out of an amalgamation of many emotions at once.

Usually, I don’t share feelings. I write out to myself, cry and get done with. This is how I have grown. This is how I have lived. But each time I have dealt with something this way in the past, I was certain of what I am feeling, and what it was that I was dealing with.

But a few days back, I was sobbing in the bathroom without a clue. Only to realize after hours of being there, it was just ‘adulting’!

Last April I got done with my graduation and from then life has been nothing but chaos. I had a fun vacation to Manali and Ladakh in May. The following June I trekked every weekend to the Sahydaris. After which my mom retired from her first job after working there for 37 years and I managed to land upon my first job ever.

I didn’t think much at all. I just went with the flow. The May trips were pre-planned nothing after that. I took up a job because I had zero clarity about if I wished to do masters and if yes in what field. Luckily, with the soul-sucking job I managed to deal for eight months made me realize that yes, I should surely do further studying and am not so ready to be strangled in the work cycle yet.

It is easy to write down the above paragraph today, but living the last year of my life wasn’t so. I am the kind of person who loves to plan and wishes to follow them. If you know Monica from FRIENDS and how she loves rules and discipline, I relate to that side of her. And now imagine going through such chaos about masters, about doing a job etc.

The May trips made me write to me that I shall try to visit the Himalayas once a year at least. The treks after that helped me understand that I can’t stay away from the Sahyadris. Mom’s retirement made me grow closer to her. My first job molded me in many ways.

I faced my first failure at my first job. I dealt with a horrible workspace and a relatively dizzy boss. But this job and people I met helped me getting regular with my craft as I began blogging weekly.

So the chaos that I went through, lead to something good. Now I am dealing with a different set of uncertainty altogether. Earlier the uncertainty was whether masters or working. Now it is more like, what if after doing this master I figure this is not what I want, what if this is a wrong decision? What if I waste years of my life?

Unknowingly, in the past year, I embraced the uncertainty and started blogging weekly, realized my love for writing and traveling. And this is my hope to embrace all these thoughts in my head right now, the reason I sobbed, the uncertainty about the master, the fear of failure again.

I am embracing all these thoughts, all this uncertainty, in hope that it will turn out to be good, it will all sort out and fit in.

I don’t know in what phase of life you are right now, and what is it that you are dealing with. I just penned down a bit of what I faced and am facing and how I am dealing with it. If nothing I hope you take from this that there is no escape from the chaos and embracing the uncertainty without giving up is the only way forward.