I was thinking about ways to put forth how I am managing various emotional and practical situations in my life when I realized I suck at doing so. And here is a glimpse of it.
Unrealistic Expectations
I had an adventurous trek last Sunday to Songiri fort with my cousin Sanish. We were lost twice and it was a miracle that we actually made it to the top of the fort. After coming down we had fun near a waterfall and head back home with a smile.
I wrote and posted my last week’s blog and head out for some work. And people were going crazy. It was a day to celebrate friendship. I saw a friend bring for his ‘best friend’ chicken biryani and my heart sunk.
I came back home and felt so low for not having a friend in my life that would bring me chicken biryani. Only to realize, one, though I love biryani, I am not a foodie plus a lot moody about food and all my friends know this. Two, I don’t communicate with many people to have many friends in life.
Three, if I hadn’t stepped out, I wouldn’t have felt so. And also the fact that I replied to all the happy friendship’s day messages with my blog link.
It is silly to be a not-so-people-person at heart and yet expect to be loved liked one. I mean, my mind just fucked up a beautiful trek day for me with a silly unrealistic expectation.
Being a Super Human
I have an assignment submission end of September and last month I began working on it. It was very difficult to get back to studying after eight months of working. Body got used to not using head and following the lead of a person without a head.
It was tough to break that and start using some brain for learning concepts, ideas, examples and writing them down for the assignment. This is why I planned to study one answer a day, and only one subject a week.
It has been three weeks and I got good at it. It is funny how I started loving what I was studying and my new study routine for three weeks while I hated my job even after eight months of working.
But, now that I was being human, my mind said, why not try to be a superhuman? I added more study time in my routine. I kept adding all small to big task my mom expects of me. If that wasn’t enough, I added some more personal fitness, reading, and writing goals.
Obviously, my mind and body both couldn’t handle it after two days of following the new routine. I drained myself so much that I couldn’t move from my bed for a week.
Trying to fit in
I got close to someone my age recently. We connected on various levels and had a blast. But, this bond made me realize how disconnected I am from people my age.
I am a morning person and my entire class in college was the opposite. I didn’t find a single colleague who loved mornings. I was proud of this fact.
However, when I was talking to this person, throughout the day there wasn’t much sharing but at night there was a strong connection. I began to shift my routine. My close friends were shocked to see me online after ten thirty but it was going to get worse.
Morning time has for years been my ‘me time’. I have tea with mom, followed by some reading and writing. Now it had turned to no morning tea with mom, late night conversations, late morning breakfast with delayed lunch and study routine.
Finally, my mom pointed it out to me and I snapped. I told her to let me live my age, this is how youngsters live and I haven’t for years, and it is high time I do.
Comparisons
The best way to feel that you suck is to compare. What a feeling it is to see yourself as an ant in front of the mighty Taj of someone’s life. It sucks so much that you began to question your existence.
Three years back, I built up courage, began this blog after I gave up on all the comparisons. But little did I know I would go crashing back at it.
Daily there are updates about a beautiful trip, an amazing boyfriend, a fun family, a huge house, crazy fun colleagues and what not. It sucks to see even your college juniors prosper and work so much more than you ever did.
I have unrealistic expectations, I try to be superhuman, I always wish to fit in and to top it all I can’t stop all the comparisons. I am very harsh on me and I know it, this is why I suck. But hey, I am trying to deal with it. In these ways or others, I know you suck too and I hope we all sail through.
This post is obviously to point out that I suck, but more about helping you not to. If you relate to this post, let’s chat, @nisha_navgire on Insta!