What’s grey?

‘She hits me and so I run away every day to the boys at the dump yard’ he said

‘Why does she hit you?’ the teacher asked

‘I am not her son, she has three of her own to take care of’

The teacher embraced this six-year-old boy, gave him special attention and made sure he came to school regularly. Because of her warmth and care, the child stopped spending time with elderly boys at the dump yard. As this teacher narrated this story, we both had a smirk on our face and a river ready to burst from our eyes.

We had to act like grown-ups. After considering all the possibilities of working together for the boy and many like him at her school, we shook hands and I left.

The moment I stepped out of her office, the river flowed and reached my cheeks. I turned back and saw the teacher’s face dug deep in a handkerchief.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t all confirmed with my handshake. There is a full procedure after which my NGO would begin working with that school. The head at my office told me that ‘we can’t be all heart about everything, as an organization we need to have a balance of the heart and mind’ She has often said this line, for the first time it struck a chord in my mind.

A balance of heart and mind… ‘yahi toh nahi pata kya hota hai’ is what my mind kept complaining to me. What is it? What does it mean by having a balance of heart and mind? I have forever been into something or out of it, what is this mid-way? What is this grey?

One thing I know for sure is that there is no heart. It is one part of the brain against the other part of the brain. But, how to have a balance between both parts? How does one learn this and from where?

My bond with my mother is of love and it is something that keeps me alive. On the other hand, all I know about my bond with dad is that we both appreciate that we are alive and end of story.

Thus, my prism to understand the world is black or white. I can be friends with someone, or I can’t. I don’t understand a mid-way, I don’t understand grey.

‘Let’s be friends’ he texted

I ended that relationship of a few months because I didn’t understand that statement. Either I will love you, or I will not love you, what’s this let’s be friends bullshit? We were a misfit because I couldn’t understand the meaning of those words, my prism of black and white is too strong to let any other shade come through.

‘What’s your problem with her?’ mom asked

She is my sister’s best friend and a good human. But at the same time, she causes trouble for my mother with her demands every time she comes to stay over. Now, this is a classic grey situation. I am unable to bond with her, nor can I completely erase her from my life. I am unable to figure out a mid-way, find the grey…

I can keep listing many such situations from my life where I am asked to be grey and I miserably fail. This week, I faced more of such situations and therefore decided to speak about it. The problem has been identified, what could be the solution?

One thing I figured I can do is to remove my prism of black and white. It will be tough, but to consciously not block people and situations in life into blocks of black and white and be accepting of colours can only be a productive way forward.

The above is easy said than done. I have for years functioned this way, seen the world this way, lived this way. How do I change the way I live? How do I change the way I see the world?

I am grateful for people like the lady who is my head at the office, like my two best friends, like my mother and a few others. These people have had a different upbringing, for them, there is grey, shades of grey and much more.

They don’t have black and white functioning like me and I am glad. I’ll finish twenty-three years on this planet by the end of this month. And I already have found the first thing I’ll try to imbibe in me this new year of my life. I’ll try to find the mid-way, know what’s grey…