I am the kind of person who feels guilty very soon. It is like I and guilt walk hand in hand. I do one thing wrong and my guilt makes me feel a thousand times worse for it. Now imagine what it must feel like to be me and have done something embarrassing…
The good part about walking in hand with guilt is that I seldom do something stupid to embarrass myself. The guilt factor makes me conscious of every single thing I do. However, I am only human and I do end up doing stupid things. And then I meet the dark side of walking with guilt.
I am my most stupid version when I am drunk. I remember only a few of the many stupid scenes from all my drunken nights. I had the worst guilt trap for months after a drunken night last August. I couldn’t fathom the level I had reached and I promised myself to never do so again. Yet, I broke this promise to myself last night.
‘Are we going?’ I asked.
‘You say’ Sanish replied.
We had a plan to go to Barvi Dam on Sunday morning which we didn’t wish to ruin and hence we both were contemplating if we should or shouldn’t go for the night out. We decided to have best of both worlds, go for the night out come back home in time to be able to go for the morning plan.
‘I called him to inform we are coming tonight and his joy crossed the phone lines and reached directly to my heart’ Sanish said.
I smiled. We got ready and left for the night out. Amidst Sanish’s Saturday night crowded street driving, I managed to sing for the moon I could see the entire way to our friend’s place. The sudden breaks, random turns and bumps added to my moon melody.
‘You have actually come to drink with us? I am so happy’ He said.
This friend put it to words but the vibe of the room was the same as this was the first time I and Sanish had turned up for a night as such. We both had planned not to drink much so as to not affect the plan the next morning.
‘I don’t know with whom and when you drink. But, I would be super happy if you drank today’ the same friend said.
I remember bits and pieces of the night, it was quite a blur. Yes, that’s how drunk I got. There are a few conversations from the night that stayed with me. But the rest, all a haze. Next morning we got up late. Yet, we headed out as planned.
As expected, I was reminded of my night’s antics by Sanish. It was the only point of discussion as I, Sanish, Sachin and our dear friend Sneha drove our way to the place decided. She wasn’t part of our lives for the past six months and hence cancelling this plan wasn’t an option.
She had decided to be ‘anti-social’ for a while. There was a lot to be shared between all of us but somehow laughing on my last night’s antics is all that happened on the way to Barvi Dam.
We four are very different individuals yet the same. We connect on many levels and differ on many others. It isn’t too long that we know each other yet it feels as if we were there for each other forever. It is all weirdly comforting when it is just us four.
The kind of comfort I needed after the night I had. On the way back I finally talked about how I regret the whole night. Right from going there to all the madness that followed. I felt super stupid and guilty after listening to all my night antics.
Only Sneha related to what I talked about. Both my cousins felt that feeling guilty now was way more stupid than all that I had done the night before. I asked each of them about feeling guilty, regrets in general and how they have dealt their embarrassing moments.
As I said, it is all weirdly comforting with just us. I felt a bit better. I let go of feeling regret. But a bit of guilt stayed. We reached home, Sachin went in. I stayed on as we went to drop Sneha home.
Throughout the journey to the dam and back and now to her house, I tried to share everything that happened in the last six months of my life. It was tough. Giving that we both aren’t very social people otherwise. I forgot many things and so did she. But whatever little we shared, it felt good.
We bid her goodbye, asked her to be in touch more and find the reason for suddenly feeling like to be all ‘anti-social’. On the way back home, I told Sanish that guilt hasn’t left my hand yet.
‘Feeling guilty is only going to ruin your now, past is done’ Sanish said
But…
‘Listen, learn from what you do and let go of the rest’
Learn what from an embarrassing drunk night?
‘I don’t know what experience you had. But, I definitely learned a few important things’
What bhai? What did you learn?
‘The joy was remarkable even on the phone when I said yes we are coming. When we reached, there was nothing but welcoming joy in the air. We knew everyone in that room, we have travelled with each one enough to know their good and bad both. Yet, this sort of drunken night is something we stayed away from…’
Where are you getting at? What do you mean?
‘I mean I realized how important we are to them, how much of us being there for such a night meant to them. I always knew we are all close and all but for the first time I saw it in each person’s eyes, the joy that all felt simply, by us being there…’
This made me think about last night in a different light altogether. Some specific moments I recollected as I thought harder. I remember that a friend was in the middle of something and I went to him and told him
‘Where’s your glass? Go get one, I don’t think I’ll do this again, drink a peg with me now’
He was doing something else, his peg wasn’t ready, but he rushed through and got a glass. We drank and his eyes sparkled. Another friend who doesn’t speak much came by and said
‘You usually stay aloof in your own world when we travel together. But, today finally feels like you have become part of us, feels complete’
My throat choked when I recalled and narrated these little moments of the blurry night to Sanish. I recalled a few more moments where I was looked after, taken care of like a baby throughout my mad night. Before I actually creaked like a baby we reached home.
I have time and again said on my blog that the people you travel and meet on trips are as important as the trip itself. For the first time, I spent a drunk night with the people I usually trek and travel with around Maharashtra.
I don’t know when and what exactly binds us all together as we are a bunch of extremely different individuals. Like a normal group, we have fights, differences yet our travelling doesn’t stop, looking out for each other during trips and otherwise doesn’t stop.
I have learned and imbibed many learnings from each person who was present last night. It will take time to combine all my learning from each in one post, but that will happen soon. I know what my travel mates mean to me, so does Sanish. But, I don’t think if last night didn’t happen we could ever fathom what we mean to them all too.
In the end, my favourite travel partner only helped me to bid goodbye to my stupid guilt. I embraced my stupidity, with a lot of courage saw all the videos of last night. And sort of prepared myself to be laughed at on our future trips…