How do I recover?

A while back I did something horrible. I couldn’t look myself in the mirror. I don’t know if you ever did something that bad and felt so about yourself, but if you ever do, I hope this post helps you.

I have low self-esteem and it got worse after I did this mistake. I struggle to accept the way I look, and how I am physically, but I have always told myself what is within matters more. And now, after this mistake, I had nothing to look up for within me.

I was struggling to do the mundane tasks of eating and bathing, leave aside studying or doing something productive. I wished to shout out and weep aloud. But, I live with my mom and I couldn’t.

The bathroom is my favourite place and thanks to the weather, walks in the rain also helped to somehow cry it out. After a day or two of weeping, I did nothing but slept. I got up, fed myself something and slept. That’s it, I did this on loop for almost a week.

I forced myself to do something productive, but I couldn’t. I realized I had to deal with this hurricane inside before it gets worse and affects people around me. I began with acceptance.

I wrote down every day that I did a horrible mistake, I wrote down why it was bad and what I learned from it. I wrote that it is only human to make mistakes and that clearly I am over-thinking and I should stop being too harsh on me.

This initiated the healing process. I began to learn an art I don’t usually do. I removed the sketchbook I was gifted months back. I watched videos online and began filling up the pages. I had always heard art can be therapeutic, but I experienced this for the first time.

My mind didn’t wish to be cooperative with the healing process. It was the second time I did this mistake and hence my mind refused to forgive me for doing it. It kept reminding me of the horrors of the last time I did it.

The mistake I did was mid-week, I didn’t have a travel plan following week. I knew I couldn’t plan one either. I had to sort this without nature’s help. This is when I realized I am part of nature and started to pamper myself.

I oiled my hair and took care of my feet too. Both, were in bad shape after back to back treks. I cleaned my cupboard, rearranged my desk and bookshelf. I read and also shopped for myself after ages.

The force out there really wished for me to be happy. I met dogs. Usually, these dogs visit our building only on the weekend as the dog owner doesn’t live in our building. But this time, they came mid-week.

I spent hours with the two dogs, a Lab and a German Shepard. Dogs spread joy no matter what they feel, hungry, thirsty or whatever. They never spread a low vibe, but they do sense one. The German Shepard never licked my face, but that day it did. The Lab always jumped all over me, that day it didn’t. It just lay on my thighs holding me as if saying it will be alright.

I decided to give myself another chance. I don’t know what I’ll do if I ever repeat this mistake but for now, I decided to let go. And the next thing that helped this process of recovery was music.

I heard songs that make me feel happy. I heard songs that I have never heard. I went crazy and had music always in the background no matter what I did. It felt nice, each song getting its own vibe, finally bringing back the smile.

It can be a mistake you did or anything that hinders the peace within. I hope this post provides a helping hand whenever you wish to heal. DM me on Instagram @nisha_navgire, always up for a chat on my blog!