Who am I? An Introvert? An Ambivert? After a lot of thought I figured I am just a difficult person, who has many insecurities and so finds it difficult to socialize and stay in touch with people. And yet, I haven’t been kicked out of this group for over four years now.
‘Pantar Log’ is what has stuck as our group name. I am fortunate to have come across each of these ‘pantars’. They have added immensely to my being. Here’s a glimpse.
I recall the first year college days when like everyone even I was trying to fit in, look cool. Using cuss words for no reason is one of the lamest way to look cool. Oh my, and I even tried to.
While the f word is the most common, I uttered bastard to someone quite smoothly. And then after a while, Shantanu pops up and asks me ‘do you even know what bastard means?’
I sunk in a pool of thought and wondered what I was doing to fit in. From then on each word I ever uttered got refined before being used. Even each word I write is looked back at to see its worth.
I owe it Shaan to have popped that question to me so early in my college life. It definitely made a huge difference in the way I behaved and behave today, the words I used in college and do today. Such a simple question but a big learning of making each thing uttered count.
What are you doing Christine?
Working on this art piece…
Reading for this write up…
Listening to this new thing…
That is Christine for me in a nutshell. Always a surprise, constantly on something. Even when she is chilling with us or other friends, she is the one who will begin some interesting conversation of something nobody in the group will have a clue of.
I get bored of one thing too soon. But I envy how this girl loves to know things well in depth. She is only human and has her lazy days but whenever she has worked on something, I have adored it.
My bond with Joanne has been very weird. I have bonded with others from the first year. But, with Jo I think we were two similar in few ways and hence repelled. We both have our set of insecurities and it was tough to break the ice between us.
But, in third year, we both took the same specialization and the pressure of last year in college helped to melt the ice. We looked out for each other with notes, on the Industrial Visit etc and in time I felt foolish to have not attempted to know her more all these years.
Nonetheless, Joanne has taught me that nothing is permanent. If you put enough efforts into people you can shape the bond you have with them. With time, I and Jo are now able to be there for each other when in need. Life just feels better to know I have a friend which perhaps I would have lost to my stupid insecurities.
If there is one person who I will award to have successfully for years being able to carry his heart on his sleeves, it has to be Iyyer. He wasn’t from our college and I haven’t met him enough times, but this boy has always managed to surprise me.
There is no dull moment with him around. Some people do not like people like him who say so much truth on the face, but I love it. If I can be even little expressive as he is about anything and everything he feels, I would feel better.
He doesn’t share what is deep within him, but his views on whatever is happening is always out there to know. I haven’t been lucky enough to see his emotional side but hopefully someday I’ll. Whatever little I know of him, I have things to learn and imbibe.
Amongst us eleven, we all have a few people we are closer to than the rest as we are all humans and we have our favourites. But this has never come in way whenever it comes to helping someone in our group for something.
I said the above because, I never got denied by any of these pantars for any help. I didn’t either, but Jenny is another level. I have being helped by her when she could have easily chosen not to. Why so kind Jenny? Will I ever be able to be that kind and selfless, ever?
My existence in this group can be traced back to when Vanessa added me to the group. I obviously owe it to her but there is much more than that.
I remember, I had a family emergency and I called her saying I can’t make it for the project work. She could have asked me questions, perhaps yelled but she just sensed my tone and said okay.
Next day I met her, told her whatever happened and thanked her for understanding. She is otherwise the clown who makes everyone else also go quirky and laugh but the loving soul within is pure gold.
Apart from Vanessa someone who is blessed to tolerate my audio notes of fuckall singing is Aashish. What would why I do if you hadn’t heard my audio notes. I suck at singing is a difficult truth which these both helped me accept. But moreover, Aashish helped me accept myself. It is okay to suck at something. It is okay to not know everything, and that we all have some or the other insecurities.
This boy says it bleeds his ears to listen to me sing and that it will affect his music career and what not. But, has still always opened each of my audio notes & recently wrote to me that he has it all treasured.
For a year I sent and still do to a few, audio notes on birthdays. I sing some song I relate to them as a birthday wish and explain why I chose a particular song. This wouldn’t have been possible without the random audio notes to Aashish.
Common thing that people say about friends is that they change. But, there is one bond I share that has not changed, just grown. It is with Lynston. He is the sarcastic fellow of the group, who can take your case and make you smile about it too.
But nothing has changed between us since the time we know each other. We have been there in need for each other no matter what. He is a person of less words and I too do not share too often nor too easily. We do not know each other’s deepest secrets but that doesn’t ever come in way when we wish to help each other.
The two people who I am crazily attached to among the pantars are Felicia and Omkar. I have learned to understand the importance of self-love and self care with these two. If I am ever low on confidence or otherwise, they are my go to source of some love and care. I would be complete retard full of doubts if I had never known these two. There is more I learned from them, have a read here.
From day one of knowing all Pantars to the bond I share with each of them today, many things have happened. Our college festivals, other college festivals, general festivity, learning under various kinds of teachers, IV madness and so much more.
We lived through it all and only grown as people and as a group. I am sure we will embrace the big change happening soon with love and grace. I am blessed to have them, and hopefully write another post on them a decade later. Cheers to that!