It’s Never Enough!

“I was glad to see you, little good girl, God bless you, come every year, eat well now…” he caressed my head as I was sitting down to eat.

I looked up at him, smiled and nodded. I couldn’t utter a word as I felt so loved.

It was my friend’s dad, he did the entire hour-long aarti as many of us joined behind clapping. If you know me or have read a few of my posts, to see me standing at an hour-long aarti is a miracle.

Thanks to my cousin Sanish, who convinced me last year to witness this aarti, for an experience, to see how it is done. However, this year, I had to convince him to leave his team’s football match for this experience!

An hour of Ganesh pooja at this friend’s place is an experience I would like to go for every year, to observe all kinds of devotees. The one ahead, in full divine swing, one behind actually swinging and almost dancing, kids trying to adapt something, old ladies singing every word.

It is a very different world for that one hour, everyone is in a different mind frame but physically at the same place! For me, more than the aarti, uncle’s blessing words, decided to dwell and live in me.

My dad has never caressed my head or told me he was proud of something I did, blessed me or prayed for me. I crave for that kind of love. My friend’s dad perhaps said so and blessed many others present there, but for me that moment was everything.

That moment of love was a feeling of joy I perhaps can’t justify with words. When you feel it, it is never enough!

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I am scared of horror movies. I can’t watch violence on the screen of any kind, too much blood and ghosts. It kills me. An irrational fear, I am trying to overcome.

I began watching bloodshed and violence to fight this fear. I watched, Gangs of Wasseypur both parts, Haider, and Sacred Games. Each helping me step up a ladder of being okay with violence.

I was worst hit with Haider, because I know that the violence in it wasn’t a fictional story. I know it is the reality of people. If there is only one Bollywood movie you will ever watch in your life, please make sure it is Haider.

After I felt I could manage violence on my plate, it was time to go for horror. All this violence I saw on my laptop, but I decided to go for horror on the big screen. Yes, I love challenging me.

The ghost of the movie did give me a few sleepless nights, but the experience in the theatre stayed with me longer. I kept clinging on to a friend, screaming and even became hot with fear.

My friend held me tight, spoke to me, snuggled me but it didn’t help much. I was shit scared and the fear didn’t dissolve. However, the care received in that little time was impeccable.

The little whispers, the light strokes on my hand, the constant concern, made me felt loved. It is rare to receive care in your worst moment.

To be loved when all you feel is panic and anxiety for facing your worst kind of fear. And when you do get it, it is never enough!

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My cousin and I were on our way to the aarti and we got speaking about our next travel plan. He spoke about how he wishes his friend to not miss many treks. We discussed how we can’t really do much about his friend missing out on so much.

I could relate to this feeling because I have my favourite travel people too. It is only human to have favourites. But, my experience in my Nature Club camps has made me stronger.

My first camp, I went because I knew one person out of the entire group. On my second camp, I knew only two. On the third camp, there was no one, I still went for it and kept going irrespective of who could or couldn’t make it.

I believe, when you travel with someone, you connect to them on levels perhaps you normally wouldn’t. And when you find that bond, that connection, it is hard to let go. You wish to spend more time, knowing someone, exploring the place with that particular people.

With nature club today, I bond with so many people and each bond is so special in its own way. In my trek group too, I have my favourites and I cherish all these people.

I am overjoyed when all my people are present on the same trip. It sucks the same when they don’t make it. This is exactly what my cousin was feeling.

He has also felt the bond, the connection with his friend, he wants to trek and travel with this friend. He wants his friend to explore more and experience all the fun. I could relate to it when you feel this bond with someone, it is never enough!

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Why is it never enough? Because who doesn’t like being loved? Who doesn’t like being taken care of? Who doesn’t wish to share a strong bond?

When we receive something, we want more of it. We expect everything in the universe to fall in place for us to have that one feeling. And, that is where we go wrong.

I believe, true bliss is in the ability to let go and not expect. To be happy when you receive and not crave for when you don’t. This is difficult and so is the ultimate feeling of peace.

We all crave for something, a special someone’s love, a mom’s hug, a dad’s smile, a friend’s company. We are all humans when we have such expectations and sometimes irrational wants. It is okay to feel so, but it isn’t okay to let this feeling affect anything else in our life.

I know someone who ruined her life because she didn’t receive the same amount of love from someone with whom she was for more than seven years. I have so many people on my Instagram and Facebook, perfect examples of bad parenting and broken families and how they are ruining their life in crave of that little love at home.

The sorrow might not be the same for all but they have one cause in common, expectation. It is so very hard to not expect. To not crave for love. It is only human to feel the need to be loved and feel extremely low when you don’t.

This struggle is real, in its smallest form and on the biggest level. But hopefully, we are able to raise ourselves above it and witness the true bliss.

I am not saying it is easy but is possible. I do not believe in heaven so much, but sure know we can feel peace right here on earth. If you feel this kind of bliss, dm me about it on Insta @nisha_navgire