I watched a Manga series – Death Note which made me question my idea of good and bad. Through the days of watching this series, I tried to read daily to understand what is good and bad.

So the crux of the answer to what is good – ‘that which is morally right’. And the opposite of which is ‘that which is morally incorrect or immoral’ can be the answer to what is bad. Now, this sounds simple but it isn’t.

In the series, Death Note, a boy gets a book that allows him to kill people by writing names in it. He uses it to kill criminals. He wishes to kill all criminals on earth and become the God of a new world. You’ll have to watch the series to find that out if he really becomes God.

My mind in the first few episodes told me that yes, he is doing the right thing. Killing criminals with the help of a powerful book isn’t bad after all. As the show progressed, my mind refused to think more. I couldn’t understand whether killing criminals was right or wrong.

Halfway through the series, I realized that killing criminals can’t be a solution to end crime and hence to use a book to do so might not be right. By the end, I was drained mentally thinking and differentiating between good and bad.

I was still in a haze with the ideas that this series left me with when I saw a Malayalam movie called Varathan. In this one, there is a clear description of good and bad. The transformation of the lead character by the end is fascinating.

In the beginning, the lead character is shown as calm and timid. He doesn’t even wish to kill a cockroach in his house, leave aside killing people for his family. In the last scene, he and his wife spot a cockroach again and this time he kills it without a thought. His wife smiles at him for doing so.

What makes him change drastically, is a question that watching the movie will give you. But, what it made me question is, – is killing your enemies the right thing to do? Does the movie try to say that the world is bad and being timid is wrong, you should stand up for yourself and kill the evil if need be?

Watching Death Note and Varathan one after another wasn’t good for my mind. I couldn’t differentiate between good and bad anymore. I had to find the answer to what is good and bad. And a simple definition of ‘that which is morally right’ wouldn’t suffice anymore.

After thinking for a while, a distant memory of my first lecture of junior college struck me. The teacher began the class with the following situation –

Imagine you are a person with strong principles. You don’t drink at all. Imagine that you fell extremely sick now in a faraway farmhouse. The only cure is a drink. Will you have it? Is it a good idea to have it and let go of the principles you stand by?

The class became noisy and some arguments began to stir the air as well. There were people who had taken clear sides of whether to drink or do not. I was confused. To go against what I believe in and to stay sick, I said doing either feels wrong to me.

After creating chaos that became difficult to handle, the teacher calmed us down and said. ‘It is not about what is good or bad. In any situation, it is important to be wise. The wise thing to do is to drink and cure oneself. And to be careful to not fall for the bad habit of drinking in future.

She was my Philosophy teacher – Ali Ma’am. She ended the class discussion with the importance of becoming wise and gaining wisdom through the subject Philosophy (love of wisdom).

The lead character of the Manga series Death Note who receives the book could hand it over to the trusted police and investigation forces who would use it wisely against difficult criminals. I believe that could possibly a wise thing to do. I am not sure of it though.

In the movie Varathan, killing people wasn’t a wise thing to do surely. The movie gets the lead in a situation where he has no option left but to kill his enemies. A wise call would be to perhaps not let something go bad at that level. Instead, using connections and making sure that the evil is dealt with by police or other forces before it reaches to kill you.

Having said so, neither Death Note nor Varathan would be entertaining if the above happened. The little evil side to the lead of Death Note makes the series interesting. And the portrayal of the transformation of the lead character in Varathan is beautiful.

But, in my reality, I have taken notes and learned my lessons from both the things I watched. I have a list of people I believe I would wish to kill if I find a powerful book as such. Though I know me and I perhaps won’t do so, might handle it differently. How I am not sure, but won’t use it an evil manner surely.

Unlike in Varathan, I would never let my family’s relation come down with anyone so much that the only way left is to kill someone for our safety. It would be easy considering the extremely low social life that my family has.

More importantly, watching Death Note and Varathan and cleared my concept of good and bad. It has reminded me of the importance of being wise and why I should focus on fetching wisdom and not finding the meaning of good and bad.

@nisha_navgire on Insta to discuss any of my posts anytime…

Let’s try to answer this question together. What are we doing right now with our lives? Tough one, I think I am trying to figure it out. Do you have an answer?

‘Is there nothing going on in your life that you wish to share with me?’ a dear friend asked and honestly, I didn’t have a reply.

Work is all that is happening in my life. I am amidst which managing to have a weekly blog post out and a few trips here and there. But, apart from this, I don’t know what I am doing with my life right now.

When I asked the question back to the same friend, he had tons of things to say. He had joined some classes, managing a job, trying to play football and much more. I felt proud of him. But, not so much for me.

Blog, travel, work and repeat. Put this in any order and this is the crux of my life at the moment. Is it good enough? Is there more I can do and I am not trying? Or am I just over thinking this entire thing?

Doomed in these thoughts created a mental block for me. I couldn’t write. I had time yesterday too, but I wasted it. Blocks do that to you. But I have managed to come out of my block successfully. How?

I did everything that is the opposite of what I am. I wore a dress to work on Saturday which doesn’t define me, it is not my style in any way. Next, from morning today, I have been in the kitchen. I made morning tea, cooked breakfast and even lunch for me and Maa.

I did everything that I never do on weekends or otherwise. I cleaned all my shelves, helped Maa with things I had prolonged her for weeks. It was weirdly satisfying to do all this. And amidst doing these random chores I found my answer.

Firstly, even to be able to work, blog, travel and repeat are appreciable and I should pat my back a little. Next, I have made plans to study a new language among a few other things and I think it is high time I take some actions to actually achieve it.

And most importantly I am glad that my friend made me think so much, but letting go of comparisons was my first ever blog post. I shouldn’t get back into that trap. All are living their journeys and are growing at their own paces.

Are you in your work or college schedule trying to find time for your hobby? Are you in spite of everything that is happening around you, trying to make sure that you are learning, adapting and growing? If yes and that’s enough of an answer for the question we began with.

If no then my friend if you read this post this far, all I wish to say is please find time in your life for you. Work, college, other personal stuff will always happen, but please in your life read and turn more pages, omit unrequired chapters and focus on completing only one book – self-growth.

@nisha_navgire on Insta to discuss any blog further.

1. Stationery

‘You jumped from your chair to get that parcel, what is it?’ Maa asked

The post-it flags I ordered last night

‘I figured, must be some stationery’

I know

This is what triggered the thought that is my stationery love insane? Is stationery something I really can’t live without? On my trips, at work, anywhere else, I can’t go without my books, specific pens and other stationery needs.

If I ever make a list of non-living things I can’t live without, I would get mad thinking about which book and pen to be added to this list. I think stationery as a list item will top it all. I can’t live without my daily journal, my specific pens, among the many other stationery I have hoarded in my house.

I have separate travel journal, blog journal and other books that I have made from scratch. I have my personal and work journals separately maintained. I am trying each day to better my journaling skills. There is no way I can live without all this in my life.

2. Laptop

The love for books, pens and other cool stationery arrives from the core love for writing. I am a book and pen person when it comes to taking notes. But, now for over four years I have been writing and publishing online on my blog.

And so the next thing that I can’t live without has to be everything I need to write my blog. My laptop would top this list. I own a laptop for years now. I have a cartoon network skin as its cover right from the time I have bought it.

I have a weekly relationship with my laptop. Every week, there are a few word files that get trashed, some of it gets published, and photos get arranged. Behind the scenes of my weekly blogging is observed patiently by my laptop.

3. Spectacles

I purely have stick to only non-living things in this list and my specs should top it. I can’t do anything without it. I have long sight and some cylindrical number in both my eyes which means that I can never get rid of my specs, I’ll have to live my entire life with it.

Somehow I am not sad of this fact, it is okay that I will always have to have specs but the only issue is I don’t respect it. I treat my specs worse than garbage, even trash I throw properly, keep safe in my bag until I get a dustbin.

But my specs, I have thrown it directly in my bag without a box and maximum times, it survives local train journeys with me in my pocket. I don’t know why, but I have taken my specs for granted from day one.

4. Shoes

‘What is it other than writing that you can’t live without?’ a friend asked this week

Travel, I replied

A one-word answer that has a zillion stories to back it up. But, if in terms of things, I can’t live without stationery, specs and laptop due to my love for writing then with travel, it has to be my shoes.

There are many things a journey can’t be complete without. Some specific treks and trips might have particular must-haves. But for me, no trip can be done properly without my shoes. I simply love the one pair I own now and that’s the same one I’ll buy again.

I can’t imagine the success of my past trips without the shoes I own. I am not a shoe fetish but I own two pair of trek shoes and only one daily wear scandals. I am saving up to buy new trek shoes as the ones I have now will wear out in months.

5. Phone

The other thing apart from writing and travelling that I can’t live without is people. This entire list comprises of things that I can’t live without due to the core love for writing and travelling. And with people, the thing has to be my phone.

I can’t live without my phone because there are many people I wish to stay in touch with and in today’s world, the phone is the only way. I am old school, I don’t mean staying in touch through WhatsApp. I call people I miss. So yes, for the few people I wish I always have in my life, I’ll need a phone to help me stay in touch with them.

Apart from that, my phone’s camera is my extended eye. I love to click pictures on my phone that I can later write on. It has been two years I am trying to get better at poetry and the way I do it is by clicking pictures on my phone and then writing on them.

---

Writing this list down has made me realize how life can’t function without a few things at all. I respect and take care of some in this list and completely don’t of others. This list is a good reality check that I should be more careful of things that I own as each of it adds to my being.

I hope this post was helpful in some way to you.
@nisha_navgire on Insta for sharing ideas anytime.

I am the kind of person who feels guilty very soon. It is like I and guilt walk hand in hand. I do one thing wrong and my guilt makes me feel a thousand times worse for it. Now imagine what it must feel like to be me and have done something embarrassing…

The good part about walking in hand with guilt is that I seldom do something stupid to embarrass myself. The guilt factor makes me conscious of every single thing I do. However, I am only human and I do end up doing stupid things. And then I meet the dark side of walking with guilt.

I am my most stupid version when I am drunk. I remember only a few of the many stupid scenes from all my drunken nights. I had the worst guilt trap for months after a drunken night last August. I couldn’t fathom the level I had reached and I promised myself to never do so again. Yet, I broke this promise to myself last night.

‘Are we going?’ I asked.

‘You say’ Sanish replied.

We had a plan to go to Barvi Dam on Sunday morning which we didn’t wish to ruin and hence we both were contemplating if we should or shouldn’t go for the night out. We decided to have best of both worlds, go for the night out come back home in time to be able to go for the morning plan.

‘I called him to inform we are coming tonight and his joy crossed the phone lines and reached directly to my heart’ Sanish said.

I smiled. We got ready and left for the night out. Amidst Sanish’s Saturday night crowded street driving, I managed to sing for the moon I could see the entire way to our friend’s place. The sudden breaks, random turns and bumps added to my moon melody.

‘You have actually come to drink with us? I am so happy’ He said.

This friend put it to words but the vibe of the room was the same as this was the first time I and Sanish had turned up for a night as such. We both had planned not to drink much so as to not affect the plan the next morning.

‘I don’t know with whom and when you drink. But, I would be super happy if you drank today’ the same friend said.

I remember bits and pieces of the night, it was quite a blur. Yes, that’s how drunk I got. There are a few conversations from the night that stayed with me. But the rest, all a haze. Next morning we got up late. Yet, we headed out as planned.

As expected, I was reminded of my night’s antics by Sanish. It was the only point of discussion as I, Sanish, Sachin and our dear friend Sneha drove our way to the place decided. She wasn’t part of our lives for the past six months and hence cancelling this plan wasn’t an option.

She had decided to be ‘anti-social’ for a while. There was a lot to be shared between all of us but somehow laughing on my last night’s antics is all that happened on the way to Barvi Dam.

We four are very different individuals yet the same. We connect on many levels and differ on many others. It isn’t too long that we know each other yet it feels as if we were there for each other forever. It is all weirdly comforting when it is just us four.

The kind of comfort I needed after the night I had. On the way back I finally talked about how I regret the whole night. Right from going there to all the madness that followed. I felt super stupid and guilty after listening to all my night antics.

Only Sneha related to what I talked about. Both my cousins felt that feeling guilty now was way more stupid than all that I had done the night before. I asked each of them about feeling guilty, regrets in general and how they have dealt their embarrassing moments.

As I said, it is all weirdly comforting with just us. I felt a bit better. I let go of feeling regret. But a bit of guilt stayed. We reached home, Sachin went in. I stayed on as we went to drop Sneha home.

Throughout the journey to the dam and back and now to her house, I tried to share everything that happened in the last six months of my life. It was tough. Giving that we both aren’t very social people otherwise. I forgot many things and so did she. But whatever little we shared, it felt good.

We bid her goodbye, asked her to be in touch more and find the reason for suddenly feeling like to be all ‘anti-social’. On the way back home, I told Sanish that guilt hasn’t left my hand yet.

‘Feeling guilty is only going to ruin your now, past is done’ Sanish said

But…

‘Listen, learn from what you do and let go of the rest’

Learn what from an embarrassing drunk night?

‘I don’t know what experience you had. But, I definitely learned a few important things’

What bhai? What did you learn?

‘The joy was remarkable even on the phone when I said yes we are coming. When we reached, there was nothing but welcoming joy in the air. We knew everyone in that room, we have travelled with each one enough to know their good and bad both. Yet, this sort of drunken night is something we stayed away from…’

Where are you getting at? What do you mean?

‘I mean I realized how important we are to them, how much of us being there for such a night meant to them. I always knew we are all close and all but for the first time I saw it in each person’s eyes, the joy that all felt simply, by us being there…’

This made me think about last night in a different light altogether. Some specific moments I recollected as I thought harder. I remember that a friend was in the middle of something and I went to him and told him

‘Where’s your glass? Go get one, I don’t think I’ll do this again, drink a peg with me now’

He was doing something else, his peg wasn’t ready, but he rushed through and got a glass. We drank and his eyes sparkled. Another friend who doesn’t speak much came by and said

‘You usually stay aloof in your own world when we travel together. But, today finally feels like you have become part of us, feels complete’

My throat choked when I recalled and narrated these little moments of the blurry night to Sanish. I recalled a few more moments where I was looked after, taken care of like a baby throughout my mad night. Before I actually creaked like a baby we reached home.

I have time and again said on my blog that the people you travel and meet on trips are as important as the trip itself. For the first time, I spent a drunk night with the people I usually trek and travel with around Maharashtra.

I don’t know when and what exactly binds us all together as we are a bunch of extremely different individuals. Like a normal group, we have fights, differences yet our travelling doesn’t stop, looking out for each other during trips and otherwise doesn’t stop.

I have learned and imbibed many learnings from each person who was present last night. It will take time to combine all my learning from each in one post, but that will happen soon. I know what my travel mates mean to me, so does Sanish. But, I don’t think if last night didn’t happen we could ever fathom what we mean to them all too.

In the end, my favourite travel partner only helped me to bid goodbye to my stupid guilt. I embraced my stupidity, with a lot of courage saw all the videos of last night. And sort of prepared myself to be laughed at on our future trips…

On Saturday, I turned twenty-three. I worked for the first half then treated myself Biryani and two breezers. I saw The Dark Knight on my way back home and slept. I got up and headed for family dinner. I came back home and before my big day ended, I looked back at my past year. I flipped through my journal entries, my blog posts. I smiled.

I lived my embarrassing moments, my sad moments, my most loved moments, everything in glimpses like a movie replaying in my head. The moral of this movie was -growth. I saw how piece by piece I have managed to reach where I am today and I should continue to grow.

There are a few things I wish to do differently this year. There are a few goals I have already started working towards since the start of 2019. I have written targets down to be achieved before I am twenty-four. I had done so last year but failed. Why?

I wrote down targets that were unrealistic and I didn’t have enough faith in what I wished to do either. This time, I have made more realistic goals and have involved my loved ones too for proper execution.

For example, it has been two years I wish to learn Telegu language but failed. This year, I convinced mom to teach me. Before I am twenty-four I’ll know the language is our little target set together.

Like the above, I have set a few more ‘before twenty-four’ targets for myself and have requested help from my dear ones. I am not sure how much will this succeed but I am glad to have a plan. I can manage failures but I can’t deal with the anxiety of no plans!

So, the year ahead of me is mapped out. I have targets set. Personal and professional both, how I’ll go about achieving them, everything is penned down in my journal. I don’t have answers to how I will deal sudden anxiety attacks, how I’ll become a better social person, stronger mentally and physically but I hope I figure it out on the way.

I am not sure which year or month you are born in. I don’t know on which festival you celebrate new years’ but I hope you look back at what you do at least once a year. It is important to appreciate yourself too.

Start of this month I realized, I am been writing weekly for a year and a half now. A feat, I never thought I would achieve. Now, I have plans of what I’ll do when I finish two years of weekly blogging…

Past two years I added quite some feathers to my travel hat. I explored places and learned from the many trips I had. This is a part of me I hope never sees an end, I hope there never comes a day when I have to stop travelling.

Apart from what I wish to achieve professionally, I know that I’ll never let go of the writing and travelling side of me. If you are reading this and come to know that I have stopped travelling or writing, just know that I need help.

Any ‘before twenty-four’ goal suggestion for me?
DM them to me on Insta @nisha_navgire

How do you motivate yourself to write every week? How have you managed to be so regular at writing? What’s your inspiration? These are some of the common questions I get asked. Honestly, I never have answers to any of them. But, today I decided to find it, know what keeps me going.

I began by reading about motivation. One of the best definition I found is put forth by Psychologist Woodworth “Motivation is the state of the individual which disposes him to certain behaviour for seeking goal”

Woodworth’s definition made me think – if the motivation is a state which pushes a person to behave in a way to achieve goals, what is it that stops him? What makes achieving goals difficult? Why do we need motivation at all?

I began thinking and my mind reminded me of an incident that happened a week ago. I was at my worst. I wept like a baby for hours not knowing what to do. Motivation to do something was far-fetched, I was finding the motivation to live…

Then what happened? How did I pick myself up from pieces?

1. Talking to my favourite humans

I don’t have too many people with whom I share my life struggles. I don’t like speaking or sharing my problems. I feel stupid to ask help, I feel shit to say that I have fucked up and I need help. This is exactly why I am an awkward human and can’t maintain friends as I don’t speak only.

But thankfully, at least with a few I have let go of such stupidity and opened up. The day I had a bad break down I spoke it all out. It wasn’t easy a bit. But I pushed myself and shared everything that was eating me up deep within.

Talking it out to my favourite humans helped me feel light, get a better perspective on what I was dealing with. It made me realize what I was doing right, where I was going wrong. The talk with all five favourite humans gave me a clear picture of what I can do to deal with my current situation.

2. A reminder of my ultimate goal

Months back I read somewhere the importance of having one ultimate goal. After considering a few options, I figured my ultimate goal in life. I don’t wish to share it here, but you can have anything as an ultimate goal – own house, marriage, family, being rich etc. The day I was cracking up like a baby, I told myself that at this weeping rate I’ll never get to that goal.

3. Reality check of work towards my goal

The next step after reminding myself of the goal, I did a proper check of how much I have worked towards it. A complete analysis of all my efforts till now. I appreciated myself for whatever I have managed to do so far. Little appreciation goes a long way, even if it comes from your own mouth.

Next, I plan further steps towards my ultimate goal. I take time to read, think and then finally come up with practical things to do in the next few months to achieve my goal. This helps me do my tasks planned for the month better.

4. Being in nature

Whenever I spend time in nature, I realize how small my problems are. I have a walk in the night, look up at the sky, see stars, moon and think about where earth stands in the universe. How small are we all in the gamut of such a large universe.

I walk up mountains and pass by streams and see so many different creatures living around. Some fly, some crawl, some swim, it is all so overwhelming to see how all of them live, how their generations have existed on this planet for centuries.

I can never write down completely how nature heals me, how being in nature makes me feel good, loved, motivated etc. Above was a tiny attempt to express gratitude to nature for always being there, managing to make me smile every time I needed it.

5. Music

Last, but definitely not the least is music. It’s the most subjective one from the other four I have listed. Everyone adapts a taste, a playlist and has their own set of go-to songs for each kind of mood. I do too, but the trick is to use it wisely.

I couldn’t be in nature the day I crawled in my blanket and decided to weep until I dozed off. But I could definitely listen to music. I got up, made a playlist, and heard it on loop for hours and instead of sleeping with a frown, I slept with a smile.

A combination of these five things has helped me pull myself up each time I had been down. Yet, only today after I thought about what motivates me did I figure them out. These five things have silently been there for me and motivated me at worst.

Last month marked one and a half year of my weekly writing. My motivators have helped me get till here and I am sure there’s a long way ahead. Hopefully, this post helped you too!

Have you ever seen the wicket where the ball hits the middle stump and it goes twirling till the wicketkeeper? This week, I felt like that middle stump. I was thrashed at each ball of the over I almost went twirling back into emotional crap that never reached a keeper.

The week began positively. I finished a prolonged task and felt happy. Tuesday was kind too, a colleague opened up a part of her to me and I managed to share a few bits too. For the kind of person I am, this sort of share time was an achievement.

Wednesday is the reason the blog began with a cricket analogy. I love this sport and got an opportunity to play it. But now imagine, you have to play cricket without making a single sound? Imagine you can’t shout howzzat! at a wicket nor abuse someone at a dropped catch?!

The children I played cricket with couldn’t speak or hear. When I began playing, I was a noisy one. By the end of the hour, I began to express through actions alone and felt the beauty of playing with expressing only through actions and expressions.

As heart-warming this day was, the next day was equally or more heart-breaking! I questioned what I am doing in life, what kind of person I am, I questioned if I should really do what I am doing or run away? It was a bitter day and my dad managed to make it worse.

I had the worst break downs in history ever. I managed to weep the entire way back from office. I came home, dad added fuel to fire, I got more reasons to cry and I couldn’t take it. I met my younger cousin, wept like a baby. I met my elder cousin, talked it all out, spoke of possible solutions, and came back home and finally slept.

It was a tough day, everything occurred at once, all problems decided to bowl at me and like that middle stump, I kept twirling back into the pitch. On Friday when I got up, I told myself that enough is enough. Everything negative has flowed out of you, now only good will happen.

I wrote in my journal, ‘you were at your worst last night and it is okay’ I told myself that it was all okay. Nobody has a picture-perfect life. You are no special, all are in their journeys, dealing with different devils. It is okay. Make your journey worth, make your time worth it, you have it in you, you can do everything asked by life, better.

Starting the day with such positive words to self, helped me learn things. I observed and made notes watching a senior at work. I made myself happy with small joys like watermelon juice, samosa and chatni etc. I pulled out well a task I was to do for the first time and received some genuine kind words as feedback.

These kind words made my heart smile. The words I told myself in the morning where resaid to me by a senior from work on a call and that just made my day come a full circle.

I came back and wrote in my diary that nothing comes easy. There will be challenges, how you deal with them will make you or break you. I choose to not break but make myself better.

On Saturday, I continued the same attitude and learned new things. Unfortunately, it is difficult to let go of the bad times easily. The entire weekend, time and again all that I did wrong during the week kept coming back to me in episodes. I couldn’t focus and do my weekend chores right. Exactly why I am writing this on a Monday.

Having said so, I couldn’t let one day in my week to make me have a no-post week. I made myself to write this down forcefully. This week, yes I felt like the middle stump, but by the end of it, I shifted roles. I bowled and problems got hit like the middle stump!

Look for the positive, look for learning and you will find it.
Sharing this week’s happening to give you hope that you can
deal with your life devils better than you do now.

 

‘She hits me and so I run away every day to the boys at the dump yard’ he said

‘Why does she hit you?’ the teacher asked

‘I am not her son, she has three of her own to take care of’

The teacher embraced this six-year-old boy, gave him special attention and made sure he came to school regularly. Because of her warmth and care, the child stopped spending time with elderly boys at the dump yard. As this teacher narrated this story, we both had a smirk on our face and a river ready to burst from our eyes.

We had to act like grown-ups. After considering all the possibilities of working together for the boy and many like him at her school, we shook hands and I left.

The moment I stepped out of her office, the river flowed and reached my cheeks. I turned back and saw the teacher’s face dug deep in a handkerchief.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t all confirmed with my handshake. There is a full procedure after which my NGO would begin working with that school. The head at my office told me that ‘we can’t be all heart about everything, as an organization we need to have a balance of the heart and mind’ She has often said this line, for the first time it struck a chord in my mind.

A balance of heart and mind… ‘yahi toh nahi pata kya hota hai’ is what my mind kept complaining to me. What is it? What does it mean by having a balance of heart and mind? I have forever been into something or out of it, what is this mid-way? What is this grey?

One thing I know for sure is that there is no heart. It is one part of the brain against the other part of the brain. But, how to have a balance between both parts? How does one learn this and from where?

My bond with my mother is of love and it is something that keeps me alive. On the other hand, all I know about my bond with dad is that we both appreciate that we are alive and end of story.

Thus, my prism to understand the world is black or white. I can be friends with someone, or I can’t. I don’t understand a mid-way, I don’t understand grey.

‘Let’s be friends’ he texted

I ended that relationship of a few months because I didn’t understand that statement. Either I will love you, or I will not love you, what’s this let’s be friends bullshit? We were a misfit because I couldn’t understand the meaning of those words, my prism of black and white is too strong to let any other shade come through.

‘What’s your problem with her?’ mom asked

She is my sister’s best friend and a good human. But at the same time, she causes trouble for my mother with her demands every time she comes to stay over. Now, this is a classic grey situation. I am unable to bond with her, nor can I completely erase her from my life. I am unable to figure out a mid-way, find the grey…

I can keep listing many such situations from my life where I am asked to be grey and I miserably fail. This week, I faced more of such situations and therefore decided to speak about it. The problem has been identified, what could be the solution?

One thing I figured I can do is to remove my prism of black and white. It will be tough, but to consciously not block people and situations in life into blocks of black and white and be accepting of colours can only be a productive way forward.

The above is easy said than done. I have for years functioned this way, seen the world this way, lived this way. How do I change the way I live? How do I change the way I see the world?

I am grateful for people like the lady who is my head at the office, like my two best friends, like my mother and a few others. These people have had a different upbringing, for them, there is grey, shades of grey and much more.

They don’t have black and white functioning like me and I am glad. I’ll finish twenty-three years on this planet by the end of this month. And I already have found the first thing I’ll try to imbibe in me this new year of my life. I’ll try to find the mid-way, know what’s grey…