I and Felicia met after months and went out for a good lunch this Saturday. We ate at ‘145 Bandra’. The beautiful ambience, tasty food, kind service of the place was blessed with our hearty conversation.

My past few weeks hadn’t been hunky dory and she knew it. As my nature is, I hadn’t spoken about any of it in detail with her or anyone. She had a clue of something wrong, but it was her time to find out.

She asked and I shared. I blabbered my past few weeks, shared the typical low days and the typical great ones. Gave a gist of everything that was happening. She shared her stories too. We both had our stomachs full and mind emptied as we left 145 Bandra.

‘At the end, it all boils down to what you wish to focus on…’ she said

‘Exactly! It is our choice to choose to focus on the positive or the negative’ I completed

The above being the crux of our talk. How we both have time and again managed to focus on the positive amidst everything negative that we face. Dwelling in my childhood can explain clearly why I am able to focus on the good so easily today.

The set of parents I got was a perfect match of one positive and one negative. I am the outcome of these two forces. Luckily I have imbibed in me more of the positives from my mother than the negativity of my father. From a very young change, I got used to differentiating between good and bad vibes and to focus only on the good.

Felicia has always been a master at picking up vibes. She left her last job because the vibe of the people wasn’t right. At her current workplace, she feels it all right and is happy doing her work. My workplace vibes are a balance of good and bad too. And as always, my focus will always be on the good.

However, my recent turmoil included how I gave in to all the negativity. It is so easy to say that, be positive. It is so fucking hard to do it. I was caught in the middle of so many bad happenings two Saturdays before. I was weeping like a baby. I couldn’t gather myself. I cried my entire way back home and dozed off weeping. With a lot of difficulty, I buried the negativity in my sleep that night and didn’t let it affect my days after.

Next morning in my journal I reminded myself of all the positive things, of all my recent achievements, of how life has been kind and that I shouldn’t take it for granted and let something stupid or even big effect the flow of good things happening to me. I even promised myself that morning to work towards improving my health.

I spoke about that night in detail to Felicia. She also shared a story of how she dealt with a negative wave and crossed it with utmost grace. We both are so, we might not call each when at our lowest, but after the devil is dealt with, we speak about it to each other to get it out of our systems.

One important thing we both keep in mind is to not become bitter. Many times, we crib, we cry over the spoiled beans and that affects everything else. In spite of all that we both go through, apart from each other and our closed ones, our low vibe doesn’t reach anyone. It is a difficult conscious effort to stay kind and not get bitter come what way.

You will always be bombarded with good and bad both. Life is not meant to be a cakewalk, it isn’t a film to end on a happy note. It is a journey of experiencing everything. I hope, on your road of life, you focus and remian positive and happy till the end.

@nisha_navgire on Insta to discuss anything further.
Check @feliciavakil on Insta too for some great vlogs and photos.

This week has been a roller coaster. The epitome of low that it began at from last Monday to the happy high it has come to this Monday.

I was at my lowest last Monday. Everything was falling apart. I was shattered completely. I couldn’t hold myself well together. I won’t write here every single detail of my low points but I’ll skim through my journey of the week from lowest low to happy high.

So, last Monday, I left home with a feeling I’ll break down. That’s how my home is, I do come out of the home with this feeling often. But, I managed to fake a smile and stretched my day at work.

When I was trying to hold on, something at work also rattled and I broke down. I couldn’t handle everything at once. I tried to but couldn’t. I was supposed to be at a Nature Concert but wasn’t in mind space for it.

I went for it anyways. I was crying through the entire way while a kind friend and his girlfriend watched me weep calmly. If it wasn’t their kind efforts I would go home crying, but I found and reached the Nature Concert thanks to them.

Wilson College Nature Club (WCNC) is into its 40th year. This Nature Concert was a celebration of the same. I was very glad that I went as WCNC warmth helped me heal. The mere presence of these people calmed me. Each person I greeted, hugged, had a conversation with made me relaxed, feel better, tell myself, this too shall pass.

I couldn’t stay till the end but whatever little I was there, I felt as if my wound was bandaged. Usually, WCNC trips have done so to me, but it is not a club, WCNC is a feeling. Its this feeling, this vibe that the people generate which healed me magically!

Tuesday to Saturday I worked. It wasn’t smooth either. I made many mistakes and it was a week I had totally imagined it to be considering the mind space I was in. But, the weekend changed it all.

On Saturday, I had a very enriching session at work. I had an equally enriching day finding the right book for a colleague. Later, I ordered my new phone. I was left alone for a day at home and all the emotional burden got released. I ate, slept and celebrated the entry of my new phone in life.

When I went to work on Monday, I received my business card. It had my name on it. I held my first ever business card in hand, my eyes swelled. It was a Monday again but this time my tears had a different meaning.

From one Monday to another, the week’s pace was different. I rose above many speed breakers and came out shining. The point of sharing this roller coaster ride is that the change I saw in a week might not be the case for all.

You are perhaps facing a crisis for years, months or longer. But remember, it too shall pass. Be strong, weep it all out for once, that’s okay. Get it all out of your system and then the healing will begin.

I wish this post gave you hope to keep going with whatever you are dealing with…
For discussing any idea further @nisha_navgire on Insta!

Before I get into what I wish to share this week, I have important learning to share. ‘Mental notes’ is a lie. I almost forgot the entire idea for this week’s post because I believed that I have made a mental note of it and I’ll remember when I sit to pen it down.

When I got the idea I was in a Mumbai local train and I didn’t have space to write in my journal as I would ideally do. My phone’s battery was dead so I decided I’ll make a mental note of it. I imagined I wrote it in a book in hope that I’ll remember.

Sunday morning I sit to write down my post, I have no clue of what that note was. Surprisingly I remembered the details of the book I had imagined I wrote the note in. I began doing weekend chores and finally remembered.

A while ago someone had asked me to choose between friends or family. We were on a bus returning from a big trip and clearly were out of all options to entertain ourselves. We shared a lot of our lives and socialized like humans and reached this question.

‘I didn’t choose the family I got into but I do choose the friends I hang out with and hence I put my friends over my family’ I was ignoring this friends/family discussion until this statement reached my ears.

Firstly, the logic behind that statement failed to reach my brain. I tried hard to get what it meant but failed. Today, years after, I finally understand a bit what this person tried to say.

I belong to a four people household, mom dad sister and me. A broken unit of four individuals who make what is commonly understood as a disorderly family. I didn’t choose to be part of this household but I have found my family because I was born into this unit.

The first person part of the unit I have come to call my family is my mom. She has been and will always be my biggest storehouse of strength and inspiration. The one thing I have taken from mom is a progressive outlook to everything. She has never been content with what life gave her and has constantly improved the graph of her life.

The next person I consider family is my mami. She is the wife of one of my mother’s younger brothers. I’ve from childhood been close to her. She is the only person whose presence makes me love food. It is only food made by her I actually eat with a smile. That’s the vibe I try to imbibe from her someday. Where I am able to spread so much of positive vibes that it makes someone like me also eat and cherish food I don’t like.

Then the next in line whom I consider family is my elder cousin, Sanish. He has similar vibes that of his mother. But importantly he is the one from whom I try to learn how to keep someone else before me. His name appears in many of my blogs, indeed a source and witness of a lot that I have come to become today.

My little family can’t be complete without my younger cousin, Sachin. The jovial thread who bind us five together. My go-to person whenever in need to feel happy, to feel good about me and life at large. I don’t think I can ever learn to be how carefree he is. But I wish I learn from him how to make myself a priority over everything else in life.

Apart from this, there are two people who live abroad who I consider family. That’s my small chosen family. I’ve found parts of me in each of them and I couldn’t be more grateful. Over a span of the last three years, we five got knit together due to many different threads that broke, threads that changed colours and much more that happened. More importantly, each of us grew together and got woven in each other’s life.

I don’t know what future beholds, but I am glad for that girl who told me that she chooses her friends and so they mean more to her. Today, I feel I have chosen family out of the unit of individuals I was born into and they are special.

And the weekend chore that made me remember my post idea was when five of us were in our car heading to eat breakfast. The entire drive there I penned the crux of it and this little family breakfast convinced me more to write this down today.

A family is something, personal, close to everyone. I only hope that you find a family, either in the unit you are born into or like me in a mixture of individuals you are related to. There is a different solace in finding a family and I am glad I found mine.

I had a vague memory of the place from a month ago when I had been there. I tried to find the shared cab I took last time with my colleague but couldn’t. The bus wasn’t available either. A metered cab finally agreed to come. I realized the driver was taking me on wrong directions and I stepped out.

I walked for ten minutes to realize Google was wrong too. This is exactly why the fear of directions and everything related to geography dwells in me so strongly. I panicked. I was in the middle of the city, unable to find a place. I was about to break down, then a voice in me told me to keep trying.

In the theatre last night, I watched the life of a rapper played by Ranveer. He is shown to face much crisis. Each time he is down, a voice in him tells him to keep trying.

I and this rapper both choose to pen our feelings out, he with his raps, I with my blog and insta poems. A small thing like finding direction or as big as dealing a family crisis, the voice in both of us tells us to not give up, to keep trying.

‘ye shabdon ka jwala meri bedhiya pighlayega’ is one of the lines from his rap. This line sums up the movie for me and also my life at the moment. Each time I am low, my inner voice, my words help me come out of it.

What is this voice? What is this that I hear? What is it that this rapper heard? Who is inside us speaking to us this way? Motivating us? Being a little sunshine of hope when we are drenched in reality? The movie raised these questions and my quest began…

When I was in the middle of the road, completely lost, I was scared but I didn’t shed a tear. Reassured by the voice in me I tried and found another cab, reached the place, found the gully, walked through it holding hands with fear and confidence together. Ten minutes late but I did reach my destination, did my work well and left with a smile.

This is the quickest I have shifted from about to break down to being productive. I realized the voice in me is strong and positive. This voice in me reminded me how dreamlike my life is at the moment and that I shouldn’t let anything ruin it.

Now, what is this voice? How did it make me so productive? How did it manage to make the rapper in the movie also so successful? The answer was purely what we tell ourselves, what we accept as reality and wish to work on…

I accepted a while ago that my geography sucks and promised myself to work on it. In the time of crisis, the voice in me reminded me of it. This similar acceptance of reality and promise to get over it helped the rapper grow towards his dream too.

That’s how simple our brain functions. This post is to remind you of this simple functioning. Accept the problem and promise to work towards it in your head. This will de-clutter your mind from all negative thoughts and a voice in you will tell you too, to keep trying!

Insta @nisha_navgire to discuss any idea further…

‘I hate things incomplete!’ I exclaimed.

Sanish replied something to this but it didn’t reach my ears, they were shut. That’s the power of angst. And leaving something incomplete is one of the topmost things that can make me upset, annoyed and every other similar word all at once!

This weekend I left a fort unconquered for reasons I don’t wish to blabber here. This makes the count to four, of the forts I have done halfway, and it kills me. The last thing I want as part of this year is to increase this number.

I came home, wrote my usual journal entry, prepared everything for the week and sat down to write this week’s blog. As I began all the angst came back to me. But I thought further and asked myself, do I travel to never leave something incomplete? Why do I travel?

This reminded me I had blogged something on the lines of why I travel and in hope of calming down I decided to read my post. All my answers were in it. I did calm down. For the first time ever I was my own healer!

The root cause of why I travel was to escape my usual routine which changed over the years. But I figured this week’s trip was a beautiful escape from my new work routine. I love what I do but to let go of everything about the week and relaxing my way felt amazing.

Having said that, work thoughts didn’t completely leave me. They kept coming back to me from time to time. I would shake it off, get myself immersed in the current moment. This repeated a few times during this trip. I’ll try my best to avoid this cycle next time.

One major thing that I do on trips is to have fun and make everyone have fun too! I believe we all have our weekday lives and we all deserve our weekend joy time. And what a blast we had. Six of us only but the madness was high.

We completed one small fort called Birwadi. The next one planned couldn’t be done. I was upset and it was obvious to all who know me well. But I didn’t express exact emotions. I kept calm and managed to laugh through the anger. It didn’t hinder the fun time.

There was not a single low moment if I keep my angst apart. It was a joyous time overall. I met a fellow trekker after months. Saw Sanish drink a bit first time on a trek, got laughed at, laughed at others and like always, felt home!

Over the years of travelling, I begin to connect to nature on different levels. I get answers and find peace within when I am out. This is why travel has become important to me now. And this weekend there were so many different elements of nature I witnessed.

I held a chick in my hand after long. I pet a calf for the first time ever. Both had eyes that melt me like ice. A little puppy walked with me a set of steps which I was to walk alone. As if this puppy wished for me to never be alone. It quietly walked with me, stopped when I did, walked at my pace. I owe my little tear of joy of the day to him.

But there were times I was pricked too, quite literally by thorns and cacti while we were searching our way to top of the second fort. I get cuts and it is normal while one walks in the wild but this time it felt as if the mountain I tried to climb tried its best to keep me away.

I saw a healthy family of langoors as they ate fruits together, perhaps their breakfast. On the other hand I even saw some monkeys scavenging food on road on the Pen-Panvel route. What a contrast life of both wild creatures I saw in a day!

A beautiful mountain covered completely from below in the fog looked as if the mountain had draped itself in a white skirt. I could see it for quite some time, I even saw its reflection for a bit and it was all so mesmerizing!

On the way back I saw three mountains being cut for various reasons, I even saw one completely burning for cultivation perhaps. The sorrow of not climbing the mountain planned was nothing compared to see the one burning and the others being cut.

I wonder what the future beholds but witnessing such things makes me tell myself to travel and watch everything I can before the species I belong to bring it all down!

Observing and picking up things comes naturally to me now as writing weekly has become a discipline. On this trip, I observed yet again how my people behave during a crisis. There are ones who work towards the solution, there are ones who keep the morale going.

It was as if quite clear to the rest five what they were doing during the crisis. I wasn’t an inch worried. The sorrow and everything else struck me later, at that moment I still was relaxed and having fun. I wonder how each functions the way they do in a crisis but it is something I am proud of and try to imbibe surely.

Like I do from each trip, even this trip gave me an immense amount of learnings as penned above. Amongst all, my favourite would be that this trip helped me seek help from me. My words helped me and I think there is nothing more a writer like me can ever ask for!

@nisha_navgire on Insta is where I am for any further idea sharing!

‘I always listen to what my heart says’

My mom said this while we were discussing something last evening. This statement is common and I am sure one must’ve heard it many times. But what does it mean?

Technically, a heart only pumps blood to the body. I don’t know when, how and who exactly attached an emotional concept to our hearts. But to break this bubble, our feeling or ‘hearty decisions’ are also done in the mind.

A part of our brain is rational, a part is emotional. Everything that one ‘thinks’ and ‘feels’ is part of the brain’s functioning. Sadly heart doesn’t have any role when it comes to all this. I tried to explain so to Mom but alas! I failed.

I strongly believe that what we think, what we feed our mind the entire day is what we are and what we become. Over the past year I have consciously made efforts to feed my mind right. I have chosen certain kinds of book, watched a certain kind of cinema, been aware of what I am listening to and watching on social media.

This tiny step has helped me be more productive. I have had my blogging, travel and even other personal goals achieved as my mind was always on track and was fed right.

Today, I think about my work goals, my next blog and travel plan, the few close people of my life and then anything else. On a daily basis, conscious efforts to only have these thoughts help me grow towards it.

Having said so, doing this wasn’t easy. I am an emotional fool and an overthinker. To curb my mind to not think crap was difficult as it is always tough to unlearn and relearn.

This week I was put to test. I was in the middle of either being an emotional fool or becoming completely heartless, and I chose to be heartless! I chose to not let anything affect the productive functioning of my mind.

There are times you’ll perhaps be caught in a similar situation that we commonly know as heart or mind decisions. These decisions will either have you chose something based on what you feel or what you think.

Your brain feels a certain way about it and thinks completely contrast to it. This makes you stretched in the middle of heart or mind. But remember, there is no heart, it is always your mind alone.

It was tough but I passed the test this week. I didn’t spiral and become weak. I let my mind take control over the so-called ‘heart’ and didn’t let my week be any less productive. It took a night of crying and spiralling before I chose the right thing to do but I did it.

I was and still am someone who struggles with self-confidence. I have improved over the years and it has only been possible because I have become more and more heartless.

I have let my mind be more powerful and told myself to love and believe in myself. Daily I have written and reminded myself to believe and love what I am. Doing this over a year now has helped me know, improve and love myself better.

In the crudest sense, this post wishes to say to be heartless. Your mind is powerful, feed it right, take control of your emotions, churn it in the right direction. It will be difficult but not impossible. I am here, @nisha_navgire on Insta to help you through it!

‘It doesn’t feel right until I feel challenged. Until I question my ability to do it. Until I actually wish to give up and then cross my own threshold to do it!’ I exclaimed so to one of my fellow trekkers while we climbed Nageshwar caves this weekend.

I like to keep pushing my limits and enjoy something more when it gets tougher. Sometimes I add the difficulties on my own, and sometimes I face hurdles, either way, the process to get through something harsh for me is enjoyable.

I crib, I cry, I even get panicky and mad but I enjoy each bit of it. I love trekking and travelling for this very reason. As being outdoors means to keep extending the boundaries and learn things on all levels – physical, social and even intellectual.

This weekend, I was bombarded with many leanings. Physically, Nageshwar-Vasota trek made me feel challenged, it wasn’t a piece of cake but it wasn’t impossible. I kept singing to the mountains and my joy didn’t let me focus on anything else!

This is exactly one of the major learning from the mountains, joy. When you’re happy you can overcome things better. When you begin to enjoy something, fear or any other emotion will cease to exist in the situation.

I never felt fear while climbing mountains, but I keep thinking a lot of trash which isn’t required that comes in the way of enjoying moments. Once I am on the mountains, all the trash fades away, I sing, hop and enjoy being with the mighty mountains and soon within me, there is only the joy that remains.

We had reached Nageshwar Caves and before we headed to Vasota, it was time to hog so we reached near the well where we decided to eat. Before we began we noticed a rat snake trapped in the net above the well.

The climb till here wasn’t easy for anyone but suddenly the hunger, the tiredness everything flew away. The prime focus was only to rescue this beautiful huge creature. I don’t know how it got stuck there but it was a pure moment of relief to see it rescued and go its own way.

For the first time, I held in my hand the tail of such a huge snake. I was happy to have witnessed a big snake but to see it trapped and bleeding made me cringe too. I am proud of my group’s attempt to rescue it, after all, I don’t just simply brag that I travel with the best people!

This incident is a classic example of how fear can kill the joy of a moment. People who had too much fear couldn’t see the beauty of snake like the rest. My hand was shaky but I still went and touched the snake. To experience the wild this way has its own thrill. I am happy this snake gave a visit to our lives and I hope it heals and lives an amazing life!

‘Your first impression was mean, rude but it is okay now,’ shared a trekker. It felt weird to accept this, though deep down I knew it is true. I asked another trekker and it definitely turned out to be true. I don’t know the reason, perhaps, the initial layer of rudeness is my line of defence!

Having said that, I’ll try to not be mean, though I know I am. I am the most awkward social being, I know I am improving and I’ll only get better. Social skills are tough to develop especially after you have lived two decades on the planet being how you are.

My sense of geography is bad. So bad that it is a point of laughter for the group. I have zero clue why it is so. I have travelled so many places, but it is so difficult to locate them all on a map for me. Or to even remember which fort comes in which mountains range! This is something I dearly need to work on until then I’ll have to deal with the laughter.

In my life apart from travel, I try to live the same. I try to let joy help me overcome hurdles. It is true, smiling through a situation makes it less difficult to handle. I can’t help fade my line of defence, but it is in the process, one day I’ll be less rude and become a kinder person.

And about geographical learning, I am not sure how do I work on this. Hopefully, I’ll figure it out soon. For now, I feel grateful for my Nageshwar-Vasota trip as it made me reflect and given me pointers to work on for the year. I’ll forever be in debt of the mountains!

‘Choose a job you love and you’ll never have to work a single day in your life!’ these words by an ancient Chinese sage, Confucius, came to life for me this week. From Tuesday I’ve been on my toes working, I didn’t even get my first weekend off and I am still not complaining.

I had a choice. I could have said no, I could have tried to get my weekend holiday. But I didn’t wish to. I love doing what I do now so much that I just wanted to keep going. Yet my mind is unable to rest…

What if I go wrong? What if I do something inappropriate? Will all really fall into place? What next? What after a few years?

This is the beauty of an anxious mind. It will never let you rest and feel happy for long. It will keep thinking about future and other things and fuck the current moment up. My anxious mind is an expert for always killing all my joyous moments!

I was finally happy and living my dream job like moment and each time I was too overwhelmed, my mind knocked and said, hey, what next?

Anxiety is an evil twin you would never wish to have. It dwells within you and works against you. But, proudly I can say, I won this battle of anxiety this week. It was tough but I answered to all the anxious thoughts, kept the unreasonable ones at bay and kept going.

I have changed my stream from being a writer to being a field officer practising social work. I am only at the start of my learning curve and I know there is a long way to go. Yes, I can go wrong, do many mistakes but it would only add to my learning.

I will be dealing with children on a daily basis and it won’t be easy. I’ll have to imbibe many new skills. I will have to put conscious efforts to make sure I behave appropriately. An honest conscious effort to make kids behave the way I want would be tedious, but not impossible.

I can answer my anxiety other questions, I can form positive answers and feel at peace for a while. But, the questions about what next, what after a few years, will all really fall into place, I never have answers to!

This is the unreasonable part of an anxious mind. If anxiety dwells in you like it does within me, this question will do the rounds in your mind often. The only way I get out of it is, ‘oh ho ab toh job hi ho so’

Yes, music is the answer. I sing to myself all reassuring songs. I sing to myself that I should just do my duty right, do what I am ought to at the moment with full honesty and the rest should be fine.

There are a hundred things that can go wrong, but one true will to do something right can pull you through it. If anxious thoughts attack you, this answer can help. It is tried and tested!

I don’t know what lies next, I don’t know what will happen after a few years, but I will surely not let these anxious questions ruin my today. I will keep doing what I should with a belief that the rest shall fall into place!